Steady, Steady

I think I’m stable now. I really think I am. I haven’t had a moodswing since I switched to my current meds. This is good, this is definitely good.

—

I realized a few things today. One was that I’m hiding behind the cloak of ambiguity. Another is that I don’t know how to handle certain things… Like you.

You are not fragile in my hands, but unstable in them. And I think the dawn of thoughts previously alien to me precipitated this… Quasi-life, if you could call it that.

I’m tired of running after things in flight. Tired of this nomadic way of living- not knowing where I stand.

I hope things will get clearer soon. The storm must cease at some point in my life, right? I hope it does. Soon.

Storms

They’re in my heart.

And I keep wondering the hows and whys of things. I keep wondering if I’ll ever come to that day when everything is made clear to me.

I can’t see it right now, I really can’t.

Maybe I’m destined to be alone and moping in a corner, like I’m so used to doing. Maybe I’m destined for this emo life that I’ve been living.

I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it today, because I was with people that I honestly love. I had fun with my friends: I missed them. So I don’t feel so alone today, maybe tomorrow the loneliness will wash over me again.

Who knows?

Nobody does, not even myself.

I hang by a thread at the edge of a dream.

I Just Know

“We’re back to being strangers.”

And I’m not going to see you anymore sometime soon.

I guess a goodbye is premature now, but it’s going to be very valid once I’m done.

I dread that day, I regret that life. But things just have to happen like this. There’s no other way.

Tu heroina cubierta en sangre.

In Between

I’m neither here nor there. I’m caught somewhere in between two very distinct entities, but with very blurry borders.

I am dying to know who I am.

Simply dying to find out what I am, after all the shit has happened.

I am changed. You are changed. Where were we before? Certainly not this place, the place in between here and there. We knew. We just knew.

And we’re too alike that I suspect this will lead to nowhere in particular, again. Because we clash in our antics. We clash so goddamn well. You have your pride and I have mine. You have your mind games, I have mine. You have your anger and I have mine. You have your wounds and I have plenty of mine.

You see now? You see where I’m coming from?

No you don’t.

And I know why: I’ve hurt you far too many times for me to hope for recovery. If I you had done the things I did to you, I wouldn’t forgive you in a lifetime.
I guess I have to be glad, in a way, that you’re still even here. Maybe that’s all I have to be glad for. Maybe that’s the apex of everything and nothing more.

The irreclaimable was fathered by a moment.

Love or Hate?

I think I hate you already.

I gave you permission to treat me like garbage, I know. And I know the wreckage I am, but please, not this way.

Bahala ka na sa buhay mo.

I don’t want to be part of your life any longer.

And yes: I’m just waiting for the optimal time to leave.

My mind tells me ‘right now’ but my heart says ‘never.’

You could take advantage of this ambivalence in me. You really could. But all you take advantage of is me squandering all I am for you.

And that sucks. Big time.

So the question really is, how do we differentiate love from hate? They cause the exact same reactions in me: I can’t stop thinking about you, whatever, however that may be.

Serenity

So I passed second year. Without removals.

I can hardly believe it.

I still have a hard time believing it today.

I thanked God last night for everything.

And I  promised myself I’d really study in third year.

*crosses fingers*

—

You’re gone.

For sure.

And oddly enough, I feel just fine about it. Leaving without a backwards glance, I can see your back as you turn away from me. And I now turn away from you in a most similar manner.

Goodbye.

—

If I wait, if I wait, I shall wait.

—

I will never do that again: listening to my head instead of my heart. It brought me to logical nowheres.

Mind Games

They work.

I feel my mind playing tricks on me now.

I’ll follow my heart instead.

—

You’re saving me for the third time in my life. Thank you.

—

The list of those taking removals will be released tonight. I’m surely on that list. What I’m just waiting for is the number of subjects I’ll be taking them for.

Gaaah. I’m so afraid. I’m so fucking afraid.

I want to cry because I’m dying of anticipation (the bad kind).

—

Could fate be telling me something I’m afraid to hear?

But what is it that I am afraid of? I do not know…

Vermillion

The violence in me has been squeezed out by grief.

I am tranquil and unnaturally placid right now.

Calm and collected: I am the breath before the storm.

I breath in deeply, waiting for the next wave of emotions to determine the extent of my defeat. I sigh as I come to a place inside me where nothing can touch me again. I am numb.

Nothing can hit me now. I am unnaturally safe and quiet and distant from everything. I am fine now. Today is not a day for weeping. It is hazy and ambivalent; I have dissociated again.

And it’s good. It’s all good.

I learned one thing: Never make a promise you can’t keep to a God that you can’t trust.