Terrified April 24, 2009

I am afraid of being left behind again.

I’m afraid of being abandoned by anybody.

So what do I do? I sell my soul to the devil and pray that he keeps his word. How ironic though it may sound.

I’m tired of being ambivalent or ambiguous. I want to be sure. I want to have certainty, security, love. But I have to work for it. It’s never gonna come on its own. I’m weary and tongue-tied.

This blog makes me feel awkward, because of all the things I have to hide from the world. It’s losing its sense real fast now. I don’t know.

—

Edited to add: I’m so fucking bored now, it’s not even funny. Nothing keeps me alive anymore. I look forward to jogging each morning, so I get to talk with my friends. But other than that, I’m dead to the world and the world is dead to me.

I entered this paradox not knowing what it was. Now I’m shaken and broken and I don’t know what else.

I wish people would just understand me. My baseline is mild depression, at best. I’m never really stable, I think, for long periods of time. And this depression is out of my hands, and circumventing it is a monstrous task that I’m finding hard to do. After all, what fight do you have against neurotransmitters?

None.

Storms April 21, 2009

They’re in my heart.

And I keep wondering the hows and whys of things. I keep wondering if I’ll ever come to that day when everything is made clear to me.

I can’t see it right now, I really can’t.

Maybe I’m destined to be alone and moping in a corner, like I’m so used to doing. Maybe I’m destined for this emo life that I’ve been living.

I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it today, because I was with people that I honestly love. I had fun with my friends: I missed them. So I don’t feel so alone today, maybe tomorrow the loneliness will wash over me again.

Who knows?

Nobody does, not even myself.

I hang by a thread at the edge of a dream.

Love or Hate? April 18, 2009

I think I hate you already.

I gave you permission to treat me like garbage, I know. And I know the wreckage I am, but please, not this way.

Bahala ka na sa buhay mo.

I don’t want to be part of your life any longer.

And yes: I’m just waiting for the optimal time to leave.

My mind tells me ‘right now’ but my heart says ‘never.’

You could take advantage of this ambivalence in me. You really could. But all you take advantage of is me squandering all I am for you.

And that sucks. Big time.

So the question really is, how do we differentiate love from hate? They cause the exact same reactions in me: I can’t stop thinking about you, whatever, however that may be.

Focus March 21, 2009

Mine has shifted already.

I swear I can see a whole new world now. It’s different. But I like it. No more agonizng nights waiting. No more hoping for texts.

I’m okay now.

And I think my current medicine cocktail is stabilizing my moods pretty well. I don’t feel flat at all, but I’m not depressed or manic. I’m loving it.

I’ve never felt more stable in my life.

I’m washed by feelings of hope and renewal.

I never thought I’d get over certain addictions, but I have.

It’s like going cold turkey on thoughts and wishes.

Only now, I feel more independent from the wiles and wishes of other people. I just am happy today. I just am doing okay.

No more wasted nights not knowing what to think or what to feel. No more needing Clonazepam or Zolpidem just to go to sleep. I am peaceful now. My heart is still and ready again.

Oh, I’m in love with this feeling that I’ve found. Just steady and stable. Elusive stability, perhaps? I’m in love with the world at the moment. I see things as beautiful once again. I hear the wind, but it does not howl someone’s name anymore.

Looks like the fight was won already. Looks like I won’t have a hard time not knowing my next moves. On this checkerboard life, I’m getting used to checkmate.

I just can’t contain the joy anymore. I am glad and joyous. But not hypomanic, for a change. I keep on smiling and just being okay. Turns out that centers are not needed anymore to make me happy. I’m content with life, for the moment.

Ahhhhh… how I love this. *grins* It’s just too damn perfect that I’m having a hard time saying if it’s real or just my imagination. All things are sublime today.

I’m in Subic, by the way. And I’m studying Pathology transcriptions. I feel like I am absorbing what I’m actually reading. My confidence today is around 98 over 100. I want to share my joy with people. If I could just give away joy, I would and I wouldn’t run out if it. My happiness is bottomless today. I want to hug someone! I want the people around me to be happy; I want to share my joy.

There are still complications, of course, but now I think I can overcome them. More than anything, I feel formidable. I don’t feel so small anymore. I don’t feel my insecurities today.

And phantoms are kept at bay. Like they should be.

Thank you Lord for this beautiful feeling.

Sway March 3, 2009

Again, my mood has shifted. I’m fairly stable today, and hopefully for the rest of the week.

I’m not getting the head and hands tremors anymore. Thank god for multiple doses of biperiden!

What I hate about being sick is that I never know how long I’ll be okay and stable, until my mood swings again. This is why I can’t wait to get to my target dose of 100mg or 200mg Lamictal. The therapeutic dose. I’m searching for the elusive stability.  I think switching to Lamictal increased my tolerance for alcohol! I no longer puke after my second beer! I can take 4 beers and 4 shots of jagermeifter and not be vomitting. I’m loving Lamictal for the curious reaction that I’ve observed.

Lately, I’ve been numb, and unreactive. Listless and apathetic, that’s the color of my day. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the meds I’m taking.

My Abilify was reduced to 10mg from 25mg because I got horrible head and hand tremors from it. It seems to be working. But I’m afraid that I’ll have another psychotic attack again! The things you have to live with as a psych patient are not funny. It’s a question of what sucks less? The hallucinations or the tremors? I don’t know the answer to that. I’ll probably want to stick with tremors if it can make the hallucinations go away. It’s a tough thing, hearing voices that are not there… After a while, you start to question if every little night noise is imaginary or not… You question your sanity, most of all.

So I’ll be switched to Invega instead. I hope it works in eliminating my psychosis…

Dr. Queribin suggested that my Lamictal be upped to 200mg, or try a combo of Lithium and Seroquel, or even replace Abilify with Zyprexa.

[Last night, I woke up and saw Tet, my friend, sitting beside my bed. So we talked about school in general. She responded as Tet would respond. After five minutes of conversation, I realized (only then) that she was a hallucination. And things were breaking again in my room. So I ran to Ana's room instead and slept there.]

—

 

I need to know if you were real

I’d hate to think that I’ve been fooled again

And as the vision fades

I’ll say I was blinded by your eyes

I felt them burn.

-Give You Back by Vertical Horizon

Sunrise February 21, 2009

I am filled with hope and a certain amount of numbness today.

Somehow, things are a bit clearer to me. Like some protocol, the mechanics of certain things have been revealed to me. It taught my heart not to expect certain things at certain times.

This will help me tremendously.

More than you’ll ever know. (I see these words reflected elsewhere, in another time and place, in another scenario. I hold them sacred.)

Trials

I see you in the distance

Pedestals and skyscrapers

I am enamoured by this mystery

Trapped in this ravine

And I am addicted to:

Being in the middle,

Being in between,

Not knowing where

I should stand or stay

Underneath

The ever-changing sky.

The Prayer December 8, 2008

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.

And I am healing myself now.

I am rebuilding my life.

For the first time, I am tasting power on my lips again.

I WILL DO THIS, not for you, not for him, but for myself.

I feel stronger than ever before.

In that sordid world from which I emerged, that prison from which I stayed for 6 days, I had epiphanies of unprecedented magnitude.

It was torture. It was filled tears. It was a prison for the mind.

But I emerge victorious and laughing if only because things are crystal clear to me now.

I know now.

My mind is tinged with a stranged sense of clarity which is foreign to me. And I cannot help but smile as I type now. I cannot wait to show the world what I can do.

I am filled with hope, and love and all the pretty things that Dr. Los Baños promised me I would have, once I endured the 6 days. And I have. Here I am, laughing and victorious.

I am ready now.

Gemini November 15, 2007

Maybe we love that which makes us human. Maybe we love that which makes us better than ourselves.

I am searching for release, for some form of escape from the dreariness of it all. I’m afraid of the coming days of being without you. I’m afraid of that final day when you will cease to return to me. Oh God, I am afraid. What if I never outgrow this desire? What if I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life? And I had no hope of ever seeing you again? What if I’m lost in this desert without you forever?

I cannot bear it. I cannot even fathom the grief that lies ahead. I cannot even begin to verbalize how it must feel like. Oh God, help me. God, I’m telling you this because I need you. I’m here waiting for you. I’m here needing a rescue, and only you can save me now. God, I said make me believe and now I do believe. I said let him be alive for me and I will leave him forever. And I haven’t kept my end of the bargain, Lord, for fear of loneliness. I’m sorry but it’s too much to bear too soon. I cannot do without him yet. I cannot.

“People can love without seeing each other, can’t they, they love You all their lives without seeing you.”

-from Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair

[How could you be my salvation? How could anybody save me when I've given up on myself?]