Time to hold my breath now.
Watchful waiting is key.
I wonder how much this experiment will reveal.
Truth? Yes.
Pain? Maybe.
—
Therefore, I’m back to where I used to be.
Category: truth
I am half giddy and half terrified.
I am giddy because of certain circumstances.
I am terrified because school is about to start soon and I’m afraid that I’ll be pressed for time. Although, the upperclassmen say that there is so much time this year, we’ll actually get bored.
I hope that holds true.
I sincerely hope that works out okay.
I don’t want anybody nudged out of my life because of my schedule. No, I can’t have that. It MUST not happen.
I’m happy because I am learning more and more how to manage the hourly fluctuations in my mood. I just let it happen, then I let it pass.
There it goes.
My start-of-the-day post.
If I didn’t feel this way, I wouldn’t be like this…
If I did not rupture from within, I would not tear from without…
You must know this.
Now more than ever.
Take me as I am.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like shouting.
Screaming at the top of my lungs.
Oh. The things I cannot do.
What do I want to scream?
What shall my utterance be?
That I care infinitely for you!
But that I am limited by my own human weaknesses; by boundaries made of thought and wonder; by selfishness and fear. Knowing these things exist in my head is not enough to shake them from my heart.
And the next thing I want to scream is this, simply: I’m sorry!
Oh. Given the chance I’d saturate the world with my shouts. Given the chance, given the chance….
I don’t know what to say.
Worlds are opening up before me.
I only but have to choose.
I fall in love too easily with concepts, ideas, schools of thought and culture.
That being said, I’m addicted to StumbleUpon.
Now, I’m exposed to the craziest, cutest, pointless things on the internet. What fun! Haha
—
My doctor is not changing my schizoaffective diagnosis.
So I just chose to ignore the label.
I am not my illness.
I will not let it define who I am and what I can do.
He also said that he won’t take me off an antipsychotic while I’m in med school. He wants me to be “on a level playing ground” with my classmates. That’s really very thoughtful of him.
But that’s another 3 years.
Which means that if I ever do stop, I would have taken 6 years’ worth of antipsychotic- abilify, seroquel, haldol, risperdal, amisulpride, and I forget what else. I am hoping this does not give me tardive dyskenisia…
But all in all, I’m good. Quite happy. Stable.
(I am crossing my fingers this will be long-term stability).
I want to run away.
Disappear.
Evaporate.
Or stab myself with a kitchen knife.
I think I’m entering into a mini mixed state again. This time, I’m sliding gracefully (grace? Is there such a thing in illnesses like mine?) into it. It’s coming in small, slow spurts.
First, I observe myself getting restless yet lethargic.
Second, I observe myself getting extremely angry for small things.
Third, I keep imaging violence in my head. I’m beginning to be preoccupied by it.
Fourth, I think I’m in distress. Terribly in distress.
Where will all these lead me? I don’t know yet… But I’ll do my best to stop it. I’ll do my best to fight.
My doctor says I’m schizoaffective.
No.
I can’t accept that.
I won’t accept that.
I will argue against it tomorrow.
(It’s just too much for me to take. It’s just too devastating to be told I have it. Bipolar 1 is fine. Borderline personality disorder is fine. But SCHIZOaffective? A blend of schizophrenia and bipolar? I just don’t think I am ready to face that. I won’t change doctors because of it. He’s the second doctor to tell me I have it. I just… need time.)
