Storms April 21, 2009

They’re in my heart.

And I keep wondering the hows and whys of things. I keep wondering if I’ll ever come to that day when everything is made clear to me.

I can’t see it right now, I really can’t.

Maybe I’m destined to be alone and moping in a corner, like I’m so used to doing. Maybe I’m destined for this emo life that I’ve been living.

I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it today, because I was with people that I honestly love. I had fun with my friends: I missed them. So I don’t feel so alone today, maybe tomorrow the loneliness will wash over me again.

Who knows?

Nobody does, not even myself.

I hang by a thread at the edge of a dream.

The Prayer December 8, 2008

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.

And I am healing myself now.

I am rebuilding my life.

For the first time, I am tasting power on my lips again.

I WILL DO THIS, not for you, not for him, but for myself.

I feel stronger than ever before.

In that sordid world from which I emerged, that prison from which I stayed for 6 days, I had epiphanies of unprecedented magnitude.

It was torture. It was filled tears. It was a prison for the mind.

But I emerge victorious and laughing if only because things are crystal clear to me now.

I know now.

My mind is tinged with a stranged sense of clarity which is foreign to me. And I cannot help but smile as I type now. I cannot wait to show the world what I can do.

I am filled with hope, and love and all the pretty things that Dr. Los Baños promised me I would have, once I endured the 6 days. And I have. Here I am, laughing and victorious.

I am ready now.

Pass Me By April 11, 2007

Looks a lot like me.

Never Grow Up April 3, 2007

It’s my birthday. I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday. It’s just not my thing.

It’s also Jack’s birthday today! What a coincidence it is that I buy a dog, and upon checking his papers, we have the same birthday.

In which I plugged out the world February 14, 2007

Blah, blah blah. Valentine’s Day and here’s the customary Valentine’s Day post because today’s the day of hearts and I’ll scream out my heart because this is my blog.

Why do people find it pitiful that I stepped into the door sans flowers? Is it really so bad? I’m ten feet ahead of what I feel. I can’t remember the feeling at all. Therefore, in my world, I never really lost anything because I fail to sense an absence. (The presence that makes the present absence unbearable- my mind is filled with crap.)

Pitstop to Abismo de la Creacion January 24, 2007

I’m tired of struggling. I need to learn how to accept gray areas. I always see things in black and white. Weeeee, checkboards everywhere and I’m stuck in 1920.

And I must stop making associations between things. I think I saw my friend today, and I confirmed it was her because I saw the way the fingers curved slightly on the steering wheel.

Is it really so bad, I ask myself, to see glass on spilled sand? Or phantoms swirling into view on the marble floors you always knew? And to detect in the choice of words (it is the nouns that give you away) irritability, a smile, a mourning for yet another way to live?

My head wants to explode from all these calamities, and they’re never the right calamities. Little calamities of everything (yes, I tell you, everything) that no one will want to listen to. Not even me. And yet, they’re too strong for me to push away.

Biblioteca de la Real Acedemia de la Lengua Madrid

See? How can I not find this awe-inspiring?
How can one keep from sighing?

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat. “We’re all mad here. You’re mad. I’m mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat. “Or you wouldn’t have come here.”
-Lewis Caroll, in Alice in Wonderland.

Tell me am I very far?

—

“…That’s why the past is only in your head and your records. It isn’t a place you can travel to. It’s the places where things moved from. All those places are still here, now. And while the past is the integral of all nows, now lasts for no time at all. Because time needs events, and if there were only intervals and no events, there wouldn’t be any time. When you take away the events and the motion, you take away the time. A second isn’t some slice of spacetime, it’s just nine billion motions of a caesium atom. Accelerate to half the speed of light and a second is still nine billion motions of a caesium atom. But there’s only half the local motion there used to be, because the other half is already doing the travelling motion through space. Imagine yourself as a metronome. Each tick is a thought in your head, a beat in your heart, a second of your time.”
-from Time Explained v(2.1)

Con te partirò January 14, 2007

Quando sono sola
sogno all’orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
si lo so che non c’è luce
in una stanza quando manca il sole,
se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai accesso,
chiudi dentro me
la luce che
hai incontrato per strada.

Time to say goodbye.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso sì li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
it’s time to say goodbye.

Quando sei lontana
sogno all’orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
e io si lo so
che sei con me, con me,
tu mia luna tu sei qui con me,
mio sole tu sei qui con me,
con me, con me, con me.

Time to say goodbye.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso sì li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,

con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò

Io con te.

-by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli

(Time to Say Goodbye)

Words fail.

Faithful January 11, 2007

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
-Michaelangelo Buonarroti

Could I be carrying the resonating images in my head too seriously?

It really is not too strange to see a flock of pigeons on the marble floor,
or a tear staring at me, as if it could smell its reflection,
or to crumble when the wind brings with it the faint molecules of
someone’s perfume,
somewhere,
somehow.

How many dimensions are there in the world? 2? 3? Infinite?

I wonder about truth in the empty passages of time.

Time is a wall deconstructing and constructing itself. And yet here I am, reconstructing and playing God.

The mind races forward, and my body lags behind. I cannot sleep. And when I do, the nightmares wake me up and I am frozen. I am reminded once again that while my body slumbers, my mind is not at peace.