Lost August 27, 2007
I’m broken. I’ve sunk into depression again. I’ve got no motivation, no drive and basically I just don’t think I can make it.
If not med school, then what?
I’ve centered my life on this so much so that I am left with no options if I don’t make it. It’s a blank slate for me. I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’ve got nowhere to go. What will I do then? Nothing. Die, probably.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Paranoia August 9, 2007
I.don’t.know.what.to.study.
There’s too much scattered material everywhere.
Is this medical school? Exam after exam, not knowing which books to pick up?
I can’t wait to get to the Musculoskeletal module. That’s when I’ll know that I’ll be living intimately with my Grant’s Atlas and Moore’s Anatomy 24/7.
On a side note, my Topamax was increased to 50mg as of last Tuesday to control my angry outbursts. I do get extremely angry at times, which I try my best to contain, but it gets in the way of my studying. I can’t concentrate so well with all those disastrous thoughts in my head. At times, I just want to ruin whatever I can get my hands on and the usual victim is my hair- which I pull and pull or I punch my thighs or really dig my nails into my face. I just.get.really.really.pissed.at.the.fuckin.world.
So far, my hands and feet are tingling. I don’t know yet if this is a side effect of it. I don’t feel particularly stupid-yet.
Waiting May 23, 2007
I’m waiting, waiting, waiting on my fate. There’s nothing more excruciating than your future hanging by a thread and you waiting for the ax to fall.
Will I stay a year? What happens then?
Will I go on to medical school? If so, where? Which one?
I’m haunted by these questions day in and day out and I can’t escape the waiting part. God, take it all away. Let it be over.
The Scientist April 28, 2007
My MBTI profile has changed from being an ENTP (The Inventor) to an INTJ (The Scientist). I’m now an introvert. Hurrah!
—
I’m telling you I’m leaving, for good. I wonder how you’ll do, what you’ll say and how you’ll be from here on. Carry on. The most cruel words, perhaps, of the human tongue. Carry on. As if things were so damn easy as to continue walking the avenues of life. As if. As if the world will leave us alone when in fact, we’re trying to be engulfed in its splendor. But it will spit us out and leave us crying outside the door. Aaaargh! The world frustrates me with its laws and its enumerable checker-board illusions. I cannot make it through. I cannot do this anymore alone. I need help.Perhaps, for the first time in ages, I’m begging for help. I am on my knees. And I need you. I need you. It’s an emergency in slow motion. I need help. Help me. I’m frantic and I’m cold and I’m scared and I’m in a state of panic already.
Dazed March 7, 2007
Tired. Exhausted. No time to do anything much. But it’s all over now.
We have RNA bands.
Will hibernate now.
—
Was I really meant to believe all that? I’m gullible and in denial.
Damn this head! Damn this cognition. I’m so tired of thinking, anticipating, worrying. I can’t keep on trying to hold things too close to me. I have to learn to let go… to just not think about anything.
—
Excerpt: ‘8,9,10 pills? Who cares? I’m a totalitarian. I can risk not waking up.’
-May 20, 2006
When and how and why?
Tu heroina cubierta en sangre.
Hope March 3, 2007
Ironically, there is hope when you feel that there isn’t.
The key is almost mechanical. Just do what you have to do. Don’t hope that things will be better, or easier. If you do, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Just keep pushing the ball up the hill, though it crashes down each time.
—
On the other hand, some people have the audacity to crush your hope, condemn you for things that you barely notice (and aren’t your fault) and expect you to weep for them.
The best thing I’ve learned so far is how to say NO.
Not anymore. Not this time. There is a saturation point and I was insane to think mine was limitless. I’ve a short patience (and a potentially short life span).
—
It was there. The most beautiful thing in the world: an RNA smear.
I did not want to allow myself to hope again, this time.
Dare I hope that we can have actual bands? And then, be able to purify the RNA?
It’s almost unspeakable what we can do next.
