Ugh April 27, 2009

For the people who do not like the way I write or what I right, here’s a simple solution: do not read my blog.

Stop reading it, for Christ’s sake, if it does not mean anything to you.

I never asked anybody to read this blog, nor do I ask anybody to read it again.

For those telling me I’m pathetic, guess what? I know I am. That’s why my self-esteem is the pits.

For those who do not believe that I’m sick, I won’t even try to defend myself. You obviously know little to nothing about psychiatry. So stop castigating me.

For everybody, remember that this blog is MINE and that I do not write to be read, but I write to release the emotions that I don’t want to just lock up inside.

For those pulling me down, fuck off. You do not understand me and I will not be bothered by your sarcasm and bullying.

In short, GO AWAY.

Storms April 21, 2009

They’re in my heart.

And I keep wondering the hows and whys of things. I keep wondering if I’ll ever come to that day when everything is made clear to me.

I can’t see it right now, I really can’t.

Maybe I’m destined to be alone and moping in a corner, like I’m so used to doing. Maybe I’m destined for this emo life that I’ve been living.

I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it today, because I was with people that I honestly love. I had fun with my friends: I missed them. So I don’t feel so alone today, maybe tomorrow the loneliness will wash over me again.

Who knows?

Nobody does, not even myself.

I hang by a thread at the edge of a dream.

I don’t know why I still hate you March 23, 2009

I shouldn’t feel this way anymore.

I shouldn’t give a fuck about you.

But I came across some things today that made me hate you all over again.

If you’re thinking I love you, you’ve got it all wrong. I don’t. I hate you. I hate you because you’re such a coward. I hate you because I know you’re hiding from me. I hate you for not cleaning up the mess you made. I hate you because you weren’t man enough to try to understand me.  I hate you because I don’t see the sense of even being civil in you. I hate you so much it’s making me squeeze tears out of my skin. I want to rip you apart like sheets of helpless paper. I don’t know why I even got around to loving you in the first place. Ugh. I hate you.

I just fucking hate you. I woke up one day and had all my feelings for you zapped and it all turned to hate. If you’re thinking that at the end of this post I’d turn around and say I don’t hate you and I love you instead, well, you’re definitely wrong. Because this post won’t end up being one of my paradoxes.  That’s another reason I hate you: you think everything is about you. Well, this post is about you. This post alone.

Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. I just made this post because I couldn’t understand why I still loathe you. I shouldn’t be giving a fuck now. I shouldn’t be feeling anything towards you. But, what a novelty to realize that I still hate you after all this time.

And you know what else? I don’t remember anything about you. Or myself. Or what we’ve been through. I just recall vague generalizations and I realize that I was never genuinely happy. I wasted so much time on you already. Thank God I woke up with a start one day and realized how much wastage there was.

Waste. That’s what you were: a waste of my time. Am I being unfair? No. It’s nothing less than what you deserve. I hate you so much I want to kill myself right now for even bothering to love you before. What a senseless and useless effort that was. Because that’s what it was: an effort. At the time, I thought I really loved you, I’ll give you that. But now? I don’t recall the feelings anymore. All I could recall was all the uncertainty you gave me; the wreckage you left me; and how I just knew you were slipping away.

No, there are better people out there for me. Ones who will understand me like you never bothered to. Ones who won’t shrink away with fear when faced with a complication. Ones who will really care. I just so fucking hate you right now, it’s not even controllable anymore.

Yuck. Me loving you? Yuck. That’s all I can say. Yuck.

Who Am I Kidding? April 21, 2008

There is always aggression lingering beneath the placid surface of my facade. Always. And I will always want to spin my head into destruction, like those monsters in the movies go when they are stabbed. Like rapidly wilting flowers, turning crazily from side to side.

I can feel it now, the desire to destroy myself. It is forever there, lingering like tender frost. And I am slowly getting frostbite.

I need something to make me forget. I need something to stop me from remembering how i really am.

[Could that be you?]

My Mind Extrapolates November 19, 2007

I wonder how it feels like to go home to you everyday for the rest of my life.

Instead I’m left with this: being devoid of you for ever and not having a choice.

I want to wake up beside you everyday; to eat breakfast with you; to tell you how my day went and to listen to yours; to kiss you when I want to; to spend my quiet evenings with you; to be with you on a plane; to see the world with you.

But I can never ever have this and oh God, it pains me so. My mind extrapolates how it could all be like and the eternal torment is knowing that it can never be.

Captivate Me October 7, 2007

I’ve been having some strange dreams of late. They’re more vivid, and excruciatingly different than what I’m used to. When I wake up, it’s so hard to believe that it never really happened after all. So I tried looking it up and turns out Lamictal is known to make your dreams different. Crazy Meds says that “I don’t know how your dreams will be different, just that they will be.” Oh well. As long as I don’t get the night terrors again…and the sleep paralysis.

—

I keep thinking about the men/boys in my life. How they profess their love so outright that I’m skeptical about it. They’ve turned me into a cynic and a fake. The truth is, I’m still broken. I don’t know how to build myself up again. I keep rewinding to the past, and the past deserves to be lived again and again. It’s been a rollercoaster ride, my life. I keep wondering if I could have changed their life for the better, forever. And not to leave tracks of brokenness. I regret holding back. I fucking regret it. I’m full of regret. I think my impulsivity now is born out of that- hesitation took away that which I will forever greive for.

I keep hearing songs that bring me back. I keep smelling someone else’s perfume and it takes me back, all over again. Those are my two most potent senses, hearing and smelling. Hearing that song all over again, brings back a specific scene in my head, with all details intact. I can never forget the way they smell. It’s so hard for me to live in the present will all these “memory tags” in place. It’s hard to wander this world and not remember. How could I? Forgetting is not my forte, but being forgotten is.

If your scent could ressurect you, if this song could take me back, if these thoughts could reach you, then consider my future nonexistent. At times I dare not go back. At times I dare not enter that room in my memory place with you in it. But today is not a day for that. I dreamed of you, of them, and it was so vivid that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t with you. I couldn’t believe you hadn’t really looked at me that way, like you penetrated my soul; like I wasn’t a mystery anymore but a puzzle you have put together. I don’t know myself but you know me so well. You know me oh so well.

“For you I’d bleed myself dry.”

Alone June 13, 2007

I came from my psychiatrist yesterday and it’s amazing the type of people you’ll meet just waiting for him.

One is a schizophrenic with a Satanic pact.

One is a completely normal schizophrenic in 3rd year college and who knew?

And then there’s me…

Entering med school next week, medicated, disheveled, and completely self-absorbed in weight loss. I’m fat. I’m completely fat and I’m dying to lose weight. So there.

I am alone in this. I am completely alone. Perhaps this is where man is most alone.

God, I’m being driven crazy by these things in my head.

Stutter May 28, 2007

I mis-

I type these words and stop myself midway.

The absurdity of sending you this hangs over my head.

Ayayay.

I long to be able to tell you these things again without sounding so blunt, and stupid and so out of my league.

Not in this lifetime…