Agenda

Every night, me, benjo, james, eladio, mark and jeanie play games. Last night it was makeshift pictionary. Or sometimes we play pinoy henyo.

It’s very fun. Relaxes us, takes our mind off time.

I hate waiting, but, like I said, that’s what I do best.

—

Ever stars brush your cheeks

And I find the scene sublime

As I see how very beautiful you are

Underneath the silken moonlight

A thousand tomorrow await

A thousand stars will choose to fall.

You’re making me whole again.

-not dedicated to anybody in particular. Just me contemplating love and peace.

The Brain Eccentric

The world it spins out of control,

When you- you take your toll.

This is a place where we meet,

A traffic jam in a one-way street.

And I need more time,

I need more time.

—

I’m back on Seroquel 200mg.

Didn’t feel dizzy this morning, just pleasantly groggy, which was okay.

I feel level-headed, a bit spaced-out, of course, because that’s what antipsychotics do: they silence your thoughts and quiet down your feelings.

I could deal this way. It’s not bad at all.

And if I have to take these damn drugs for a lifetime, then I am prepared to face that; that and the stigma of it all.

Maybe I will become a better psychiatrist because of my current struggles- the Wounded Healer, as Dr. Bolet Bautista said.

—

I am craving Sonja’s Cupcakes.

Yum.

Give You Back

I think you’re gone. Or going.

I don’t know. I never really know.

I wish you would just tell me if you’re planning to leave me behind again.

But then again, I may be hypersensitive to abandonment or perceived/ imagined abandonment. Again, I don’t know.

I’m falling to pieces again. This is an example of how fast my mood swings. See, two days ago, I was fine. Numb, even. Now I’m not.

You melted the frost with your arrival, and again at your departure.

—

Winter

I do not know why

I have no feelings today

With a heartbeat and a sigh

I blow your memories away.

Away they go

Surrendering to the sky

I am alone and so

I can both live and die.

My mind screams your name

My heart turns away

This girl will never be the same

There’s nothing left to say

You changed me abruptly

You entered my world

Then you left suddenly

As I knew you would

But now I’m numb to the core

No emotions elicited here

I’m not the same as before

When loving you was near

You’re just a rising addiction

That I can’t really stop

But I’ve got a goal, a mission

I’ve got to get on top

Checkerboards and kings

That’s where we are

I know what this game brings

As I wish upon a star

I can’t find you anymore

Pushed you someplace lost

My heart, my heart is sore

And the winter brings this frost.

Sunrise

I am filled with hope and a certain amount of numbness today.

Somehow, things are a bit clearer to me. Like some protocol, the mechanics of certain things have been revealed to me. It taught my heart not to expect certain things at certain times.

This will help me tremendously.

More than you’ll ever know. (I see these words reflected elsewhere, in another time and place, in another scenario. I hold them sacred.)

Trials

I see you in the distance

Pedestals and skyscrapers

I am enamoured by this mystery

Trapped in this ravine

And I am addicted to:

Being in the middle,

Being in between,

Not knowing where

I should stand or stay

Underneath

The ever-changing sky.

Dare I Hope?

Epiphanies on the sullen keyboards and I-

I reach out a hand to touch

The ambivalent metaphors I have made.

The sun shines through the wind-blown wastelands of my mind.

Hurricanes beseech the evergreen phantoms in my head,

Swaying to the beat of a familiar symphony.

The room seems out of place in the shackled hallways of my mind,

I did not build it,

But it is there and within my reach.

Filled with bright things and smiles and laughter and love and all the things so foreign to me.

‘How could this be?’ I ask the stars.

And they never answer back.

But it’s okay.

Today, everything is okay.

Delirium

I don’t know why I’m so engrossed in this again.

It’s a centripetal force again, spinning around a vague, unaware center.

Spinning.

Spinning.

Spiralling down again.

For the nth time in my life, I find myself nowhere in particular.

“That’s where you came from, everywhere and nowhere,” he said. And the words reverberate in my head. But this isn’t about him anymore.

It’s about you.

I feel complexly. And you might not appreciate that. Nobody ever does appreciate things that they do not comprehend. Look at me, I don’t appreciate myself.

The thing is, if I correct the future, can I reconstruct the past too? Is there some kind of bonus to that? Will I get some kind of  consolation from knowing that I didn’t repeat my mistakes? There must be some kind of justice in there.

I don’t know what I want. And it’s not easy on my mind. In fact, I think it’s starting to take its toll. I’m beginning to get fuzzy again. I’m beginning to lose my grip. Attacks of paranoia are becoming more frequent now.

No, scratch that. I do know what I want. I just want the here and now. I don’t want to have to think about the future. Of what must come. Of responsibilities. Of outcomes. Of endpoints. Of tomorrows. Can I just stay here? Can you just stay here?

Once again, it is a plea I send to the winds.

—-

Name

What is your name?

- Must I syllabicate a hundred things at once?

 

And what of love?

- Renegade emotions will not concede to the hasty structure of my words. Do not ask me things that render my universe negotiable with tired, old scenes I cannot undo.  

 

Do you mean to say that transitions have left you since?

- I mean to say that the dawn softens your clockwork departure.

 

Then you must cherish the sun as well.

- Not since you were banished to the realm of sleep and that star leaves me half less room to dream.

 

Did you find this broken road by candlelight?

- And by the milliseconds on which this hinged: the irreclaimable was fathered by a moment.

 

And perhaps fate borders the edges of your thoughts?

-Delirium is not a choice but a rescue. Vision is averted and optics paint my world the dullest shade of cobalt blue.

 

You choose the things you see.

- I avert my eyes from those that do not wish to see them anymore. Must I gaze after things in flight? It is an unjust task to require that these eyes of mine should perceive what is no longer there.

 

You are grieving.

- And yet you remain unchanged…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winds

Hurricanes in my heart,

A million facets from which to choose:

Glistening masquerades of little meanings

All thrown to nowhere in particular,

Hoping to find a place

In the busy thoroughfare of your heart.

I bleed blindly for you,

A crimson color you can never see,

A shade of vermillion you can never surmise to be yours alone.

Sinking hopes and abandoned fairy tales

Of better days gone by,

I retreat to the hallways of my mind,

Where you lie there waiting in the dream world.

It is only there that I can reach you.

And I curse the bastard sun,

For I never wish to wake up.