Vermillion April 16, 2009

The violence in me has been squeezed out by grief.

I am tranquil and unnaturally placid right now.

Calm and collected: I am the breath before the storm.

I breath in deeply, waiting for the next wave of emotions to determine the extent of my defeat. I sigh as I come to a place inside me where nothing can touch me again. I am numb.

Nothing can hit me now. I am unnaturally safe and quiet and distant from everything. I am fine now. Today is not a day for weeping. It is hazy and ambivalent; I have dissociated again.

And it’s good. It’s all good.

I learned one thing: Never make a promise you can’t keep to a God that you can’t trust.

Awkward April 12, 2009

I don’t know how to feel again.

It’s because I’m dancing to two different rhythms at once.

And I think I lost you already.

I can feel you fading away.

Just when I’ve decided to pick you.

And I thought everything was going well.

How stupid of me to think that I can predict the future through the present. I should have learned a long time ago that people change and that relationships are not chemical formulas.

I want to cry.

I don’t know how to feel about this April 11, 2009

And crimson is the color of tears I choose to cry.

What to Do When You Fall Through the Cracks April 7, 2009

Today, the day started out sublime. I appreciated the cold morning breeze as I walked around the block and smoked my cigarettes.

When you fall through the cracks, it will be a very lonely place, but there are people there who will catch you.  There is always someone there to catch you. The place is dark, and smells like old furniture couches that have dust settled in their interior. The stars don’t shine all the time and the moon is an early-comer.

The night stretches out like a big cat, relaxing after a meal. The nocturne might drive you crazy after all the sunlit days being your background after all these years. But you will persevere, like you have done, countless times before.

And I no longer believe in reincarnation. I no longer believe that you and I met lifetimes before. You fuelled my delusions so potently. Well, not anymore.

My quest to be normal is dying down on me. I will just be myself, and that will make all the difference.

I just hope I am still loved after this decision. Will you run, half-screaming, half-aching, from me? I’m no such monster, you must know that by now. But will the way you know me now, be a factor after what I will show you? Can’t you see? I’m not crazy. I never was. And will you swallow that fact as you swallow your beer? Bitter, yet, just fine?

I see you there, waving in the distance, and I don’t know you. I cannot predict, at this point, how you will react towards me after you know. It’s a bit disheartening, really, but sooner or later, the knowledge has to come to your attention like shapes moving in the periphery. Will these phantoms scare you away from me?

There’s only one way to find you out.

Over and Over Again March 27, 2009

I think I’m through with not knowing what to do. In other words, I think I’ve made my choice. The only problem now is its actual execution- how to do it the right way (if there is a right way to these sort of things).

How do you tell someone that you’re leaving? After all you’ve been through? How will that work out for the best? I don’t think things like these work out for the best at all. Someone (i.e. me) will always come out looking like a player. I’m anticipating that. Though I hate it because, for the nth time in my life, I’ll have to turn my back on someone in favor of another.

I’d love to smooth out the transitions, but I think that’s impossible at this point. I have accepted the role I will have to play. It’s just a matter of acceptance. It’s all about being comfortable looking like the bad guy again.

I guess all I can say now is I’m sorry, in advance, for not giving second chances an actual second chance. I’ve shifted focus already.  

I want to cry from the grief this is putting me through. And the confusion that I’m experiencing is clouding up my mind. Let’s just see. Let’s just wait and see.

And the choice I made keeps playing in my head over and over again.

Wicked March 25, 2009

6 exams down and I’m frail. I think I’m failing terribly. Oh God, I can’t be removed from med school. I wouldn’t know what to do because I don’t have alternative life plans. I really don’t.

Patay ako. Patay talaga ako.

My transgressions are making me feel guilty. I don’t know why there is guilt. I’m not committed to anybody, but there is still guilt. Maybe because I know that I’m going to hurt somebody in the process.

Naguguluhan na talaga ako. Di ko alam ang gagawin ko. Di ko alam ano iisipin ko. Punyeta.

—-

Edited to add: Why do I feel like I’ve been abandoned again? It takes so LITTLE for me to feel so terribly alone and left behind. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe it has a basis. A thousand reasons flood my already saturated mind. A thousand potent excuses arise. What is it that I did wrong this time? I’ve been working so hard to preserve things and now they’ve fallen apart again.

Oh god, what is it this time? What does it mean? What does it all mean? Tell me why I’m hanging at the edge of a fragile string again. Tell me why I find myself alone now: in the stillness of the velvet night; under the stars who never meddle and just watch.

I’ve been abandoned again. But I need to get my grip: I remember that I can’t tell between real and imagined abandonment. I can’t tell the difference, emotionally, at all. So I don’t know what’s actually happening right now. It’s like I’m blindfolded to reality. I must use my logic. I must stick to what I know as actually true.

Go, Pipay, go!

And I’ll Say It Again March 11, 2009

Damn if I knew how I feel.

Damn if I know how you feel.

Damn if I know where I’m headed.

Damn if I know you’re coming back.

Like Nica and I always say: “tangina talaga mga lalaki!”

All I want is a bit of certainty and is that too hard to find? Is that too hard to squeeze out from the livid nocturne? Too hard to find amidst the scraps falling from your table? I am a beggar here and I know it.

Since when did I become so damn pathetic?

Since when did I settle to simply waiting?

Since when was the spirit sucked out of me just because somebody left me behind?

I am not the person I know myself to be. Gee, thanks for that.

An Inconstant Moon February 28, 2009

I hate how you don’t quench my love of patterns. Themes. Predictables.

(Here I am again, equating relationships to simple chemical formulas.)

But then again, without patterns, how do I know? How the hell do I know anything for sure?

I hate to be kept balancing on a see-saw, tip-toeing at your periphery like some sort of phantom that won’t fade.

I would like to predict things. Because I am good at that. And you! You I cannot predict. And I hate it. And you know why? Because my mood shifts with each tortious turn.

I am so externally determined. Fucked up and drowning in locked up tears.

Tangina kasi eh. Why do I choose to let this happen to me? It is a choice that I regret. But the choice hase been made. It is something I cannot undo, only remedy with copious poems, entries and songs.

That’s my life from now on.

Welcome to my world.

[I reach out to the distant starlight, only to find that stardust does not quench my hunger. I say that you can leave, but upon typing out these words, I realize it is all a lie, and I want you here with me.]