The Brain Eccentric September 16, 2009

The world it spins out of control,

When you- you take your toll.

This is a place where we meet,

A traffic jam in a one-way street.

And I need more time,

I need more time.

—

I’m back on Seroquel 200mg.

Didn’t feel dizzy this morning, just pleasantly groggy, which was okay.

I feel level-headed, a bit spaced-out, of course, because that’s what antipsychotics do: they silence your thoughts and quiet down your feelings.

I could deal this way. It’s not bad at all.

And if I have to take these damn drugs for a lifetime, then I am prepared to face that; that and the stigma of it all.

Maybe I will become a better psychiatrist because of my current struggles- the Wounded Healer, as Dr. Bolet Bautista said.

—

I am craving Sonja’s Cupcakes.

Yum.

Impersonally, Really August 31, 2009

I guess it’s really time to say this.

I just want you out of my life and out of my world forever.

It’s nothing personal.

You’re just a reminder of what I can never have.

You were held up before me by a God that permitted us to meet but did not allow us to stay together.

Again, it’s nothing personal, but you became an asshole too.

In fact, I have so much anger pent up inside of me and it’s “all for you.”

Ugh.

I cannot believe I said I loved you. That was the biggest mistake in the world. And I’d hate for you to think
that the reason I ended up in rehab is because of you. It’s not. It was my own stupidity, my own mistakes,and, dare I
say, my own cuts.

I hear you painting the town.

Funny, I had to beg that from you when we were together.

*sigh*

I just really am regretful that I ever gave you a chance in the first place. You’re the biggest mistake ever.

Again, it’s nothing personal, just me realizing how many assholes like you populate this world.

On a side note, bagay kayong dalawa. Walang direksyon sa buhay kundi maging rat racer, nagpapanggap na masaya, walang ginawa kundi maglasing at gumawa ng katarantaduhan.

Nowhere in Particular May 20, 2009

You could cure me, you know.

You can take away this loneliness, this confusion, this dire need for company.

You can take it all away.

You can take away the pain; the endless night stretches out before me and I am lonely in its wake.

You really can stop this despair.

But you choose not to, and that makes all the difference.

Another Day May 19, 2009

of quiet desperation.

of silent waiting.

of unwashed wounds and uncleaned floors.

of knowing that you will never come back.

I do not know if I can partake of this way of life any longer.

Something I Can Never Have May 18, 2009

You.

You in your anger; you in your lonely confusion; you in your sadness.

I’ve given up, as simple as that, in trying to fathom your abyssmal mind.

Shrewd conquests, lonely bottles and masquerades: they make up our past but never our future.

I insist on being fixated by you and I don’t know why.

Oh God, please tell me why.

Zombified May 15, 2009

The Remeron is making me feel like a zombie. I can’t hold up a decent conversation anymore.

And I’ll always drowsy.

The 2mg clonazepam isn’t doing its job either. I don’t feel sleepy at all when I take it. I’m using it as an escape from the loneliness that surrounds me now.

—

You’re gone.

I’m all alone again..

I think I’ve been replaced already.

This feeling hurts and I want to go to national bookstore to buy a cutter. Which I will do when I log off.

Garbage May 14, 2009

I’d rather you treat me like garbage than to not be treated at all. I’m that despirate.

Remeron is okay, I just feel kind of drugged at the moment.

I want a hug, but no one is home to give me one. So I imagine your arms instead.

—

I just got my new laptop. And I was waiting for the happiness to sink in, except it didn’t.

I was waiting and waiting and nothing happened.

I still just want you.

Again May 7, 2009

I cannot articulate anymore the way I feel.

I just know I’m having another episode again- of depression.

It takes too much effort to talk to people.

I can’t say any more than this.