Getting Over It October 28, 2009

How do I get over something?

I simply forget. I don’t mind it.  I laugh it off.

That’s the way to go.

For instance, I see your name highlighted in YM and it makes me cringe that you’re not clicking mine, but I simply brush it aside.

I never expect to talk to you ever again, much less to see you again and I shouldn’t: you’re gone anyway.

I guess the difference between now and then is that I will not let this loneliness win this time.

I’m putting my foot down.

My life will be a success story because I want it to be.

… October 27, 2009

The unnameable is staring me in the face again.

I guess the only thing that I have to do is face it too, and not let it get the best of me, this time around.

Sure, it will paint my day a shade of blue, but a lighter shade now, somehow more manageable.

I will not let it win.

Serenity September 24, 2009

Silent now.

Afraid now.

Don’t know what to do again.

The Brain Eccentric September 16, 2009

The world it spins out of control,

When you- you take your toll.

This is a place where we meet,

A traffic jam in a one-way street.

And I need more time,

I need more time.

—

I’m back on Seroquel 200mg.

Didn’t feel dizzy this morning, just pleasantly groggy, which was okay.

I feel level-headed, a bit spaced-out, of course, because that’s what antipsychotics do: they silence your thoughts and quiet down your feelings.

I could deal this way. It’s not bad at all.

And if I have to take these damn drugs for a lifetime, then I am prepared to face that; that and the stigma of it all.

Maybe I will become a better psychiatrist because of my current struggles- the Wounded Healer, as Dr. Bolet Bautista said.

—

I am craving Sonja’s Cupcakes.

Yum.

Impersonally, Really August 31, 2009

I guess it’s really time to say this.

I just want you out of my life and out of my world forever.

It’s nothing personal.

You’re just a reminder of what I can never have.

You were held up before me by a God that permitted us to meet but did not allow us to stay together.

Again, it’s nothing personal, but you became an asshole too.

In fact, I have so much anger pent up inside of me and it’s “all for you.”

Ugh.

I cannot believe I said I loved you. That was the biggest mistake in the world. And I’d hate for you to think
that the reason I ended up in rehab is because of you. It’s not. It was my own stupidity, my own mistakes,and, dare I
say, my own cuts.

I hear you painting the town.

Funny, I had to beg that from you when we were together.

*sigh*

I just really am regretful that I ever gave you a chance in the first place. You’re the biggest mistake ever.

Again, it’s nothing personal, just me realizing how many assholes like you populate this world.

On a side note, bagay kayong dalawa. Walang direksyon sa buhay kundi maging rat racer, nagpapanggap na masaya, walang ginawa kundi maglasing at gumawa ng katarantaduhan.

Something I Can Never Have May 18, 2009

You.

You in your anger; you in your lonely confusion; you in your sadness.

I’ve given up, as simple as that, in trying to fathom your abyssmal mind.

Shrewd conquests, lonely bottles and masquerades: they make up our past but never our future.

I insist on being fixated by you and I don’t know why.

Oh God, please tell me why.

News May 16, 2009

Now I know.

Now I know where I stand: nowhere.

I can’t even begin to write about the heartache because I’m still experiencing it.

It just. fucking. hurts.

—

I’ve regressed in a very bad way.

All my 7 months of hard work to avoid doing what I shouldn’t do has been blown away.

I’m back where I started.

I’m back to hurting myself.

Zombified May 15, 2009

The Remeron is making me feel like a zombie. I can’t hold up a decent conversation anymore.

And I’ll always drowsy.

The 2mg clonazepam isn’t doing its job either. I don’t feel sleepy at all when I take it. I’m using it as an escape from the loneliness that surrounds me now.

—

You’re gone.

I’m all alone again..

I think I’ve been replaced already.

This feeling hurts and I want to go to national bookstore to buy a cutter. Which I will do when I log off.