I got discharged last Friday from rehab.
Savoring the air of responsible freedom.
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I’m such a paradox: I get suicidally depressed when people leave, but I shrink away from too much kindness and love.
I don’t see what they see in me at all.
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Will start my new life as a health buff when my mom gets discharged from the hospital, which is hopefully tomorrow.
I’m back to being strong, I believe.
Certain things are bothering me still, yet I have managed to overcome them.
I can’t wait to go out this weekend.
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I’m trying to help someone.
I hope my plans push through.
I would really help big time.
Focus is key.
Exertion is the door to wellness and happiness.
Love is the driving force to everything.
These things I have learned.
Well, goodbye.
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I have another session with Dr. Bolet Baustista again tomorrow, and this time I have to go to her office.
So my mom is picking me up at 10AM, and I have to be back here by around 2.
Oh well.
Don’t know what to say, really.
I quiver over a lack of words.
I quiver over an excess of gravity pulls.
I’m fine.
I’ve set about circumventing my downfalls and it feels great.
I plan to quit smoking. I plan to exercise regularly. I plan to eat smart. I plan to stay away from alcohol most of the time. I also have in mind the goal to get off my medications. In short, I plan to be a health buff =)
I envision myself eating healthy food all the time and jogging my ass off. Yehey! Hehehe. Soy milk, here I come again!
I’m excited. I needed the pressure. I needed all the bad emotions to turn them into something beautiful.
I keep regressing.
Feels like I’m going round in circles, mentally speaking. I cannot let go of certain pains that happened in my life. It makes me frustrated thinking about them repeatedly. It’s like a compulsion.
And morbid thoughts intrude into my mind, even if I’m doing something sublime at the moment, like biking my ass off. They just pop into my head and many times, I shake my head to rid it of these thoughts. Or I cringe, hold the handle of the bike so hard my knuckles become white.
At least that’s where all my energy is going. All the anger I have pent up inside are the precise things that I bike away. A healthier coping mechanism, perhaps?
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Last night, Jeannie, Mark and I spent two freakin’ hours just imagining what we would like to eat when we get out. Things like Mister Kebab, Razon’s halo-halo, Uncle Moe’s, Spirals, Circles, Cantina, Chocolate Nights at Manila Peninsula, isaw at UP, Oysters Rockefeller etc…
Yum.
As I said before, anything that’s not found inside this place is enticing.
…to show people how I feel, and yet I end up ashamed of myself.
It doesn’t even matter what I felt, just that I ended up saying and doing things that, on hindsight, embarass me.
I guess it all started with shame.
Shame for loving so fiercely; shame for hating myself; shame for cutting myself; shame for being who I am.
But where did that shame come from? From rejection, I think.
One should not have to live like this and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
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I was happy that I had a chance to get out yesterday. Out on passes are the best thing next to sliced bread.
I’m waiting to fall in love- with who, and how, and when are still abstracts. But I may be getting there, I think.
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I want to talk to Dr. LB about stuff that bother me during the night… like racing and intrusive thoughts.
