Red Eyes September 30, 2009

I don’t know.

I haven’t been sleeping well, and my head is quite fuzzy- fuzzy meaning my thoughts are all jumbled up and racing again, specially at night.

I want to stop living like this. It’s no way to live. It’s not even fair.

But then again, life isn’t fair at all.

It never was.

All we can do is cope, cope, cope. And really, life is nothing but a series of coping mechanisms. Mine just happen to be bad.

I’m tired of holding my head up. I just want to let myself go… even for just a day. No worries, no insecurities, no anxieties.

Oh, I love dreaming.

Heaven Knows September 28, 2009

I do not know what to say; what to feel; what to do.

It’s like a whole paradigm shifted with a loved one’s passing. I am born into a brand-new world each time I have an out on pass.

I don’t want to extend here. I wish the 6 months that Dr. LB said is just 6 months… nothing more.

But I need to talk to him. I really felt bad the other day. It was excruciating pain that made me howl and wail like there’s no tomorrow.

While I was crying, I was thinking of the pain and of how ashamed I was. It was too much to bear for somebody like me who has no emotional skin.

What I need, I surmise, is an emotional straightjacket. Something badly needs to lock up my feelings. They are rampant and they run from self-control. They make me cringe, and they make me ashamed, and they make me lose control.

I don’t want to go there anymore. I’m tired of running from what I feel.

I wish that one fine day I’d have the strength to face how I feel head on: no fighting, no running, no massacres.

And I’m working on making my way to that day; working for a brand-new life; waiting for the loss of my uncle to finally sink in.

I still don’t know what to do, but I know where I have to go.

—

I got a chance to peek at my phone yesterday. So many messages, and I felt loved.

Yun lang.

Then there were numbers there that I didn’t recognize, and people texting whom I don’t know… or at least forgotten.

Anyway, I have no signal, so I guess my sim must’ve expired already.

Ayos.

New life, new number.

Oh No, Here We Go Again September 25, 2009

I cried, suddenly and for no apparent reason, this morning.

I wailed, actually, while the nurses and attendants fussed about me.

I just felt so ashamed. And I hated myself. And I loathed the idea of me.

I hate these emotional storms, as I call them.

I wanted to hurt myself so bad. Really. Wanted to stab myself with a pencil.

But I couldn’t help it. The thoughts they were racing a thousand miles a minute and all of it was shame…

Oh God, save me.

Serenity September 24, 2009

Silent now.

Afraid now.

Don’t know what to do again.

It’s 630 AM In Rehab And I Am Grieving September 23, 2009

I cannot articulate how I feel.

As always, I am too much of a coward to remove my protective emotional skin and show the world how and who I am.

Give me courage, give me strength, give me:

enumerable wisdom,

imperceptible flaws

and ramshackle ways of navigating the changes that have come.

Because I know no other way. I know no other way than this.

—

The secret shame; the urge to cut again is present now in my mind. I was told I may never be free of this, but that I must always, without fail, choose not to do it.

A 30-year Schizophrenic celebrated his 30th anniversary of waking up and wanting to kill himself, but choosing not to.

I will do that. I’ve done it for 4 months. A whole lifetime shouldn’t be too hard either.

—

I promise you, I will never throw myself away again because that would be an insult to your love.

Reality Bites September 22, 2009

There is a time for departure even when

there is no certain place to go.

-Tennessee Williams

In Which I Prove That I Never Really Know What To Do Half The Time September 21, 2009

I had an out on pass yesterday and today, but for reasons which are ominous.

I dare not write them here.

I can only say with hard-frought certainty that I WILL become a better doctor, and by God, I will be the best doctor I can be.

I will pursue my studies like a hunter pursues prey.

Just wait and see.

Something happened that made me cringe so much that I was disturbed. My disturbance lasted deep and long and made me so aware of the world that I know and I will become better, if only for people I love.

Tingnan niyo lang ako. Hmph.

—

What’s weird is that I smelled him in your arms. And for reasons and circumstances that were, well, weird.

In Which My Mind Wanders Away September 20, 2009

So I couldn’t sleep again last night.

So they made me take zolpidem again.

So I’m back to square one.

—

Stop hitting hating yourself stopstopstop. Make them go away. Blood on the floor on my arms on my legs stopstopstop. Shut yourself down and up and go away and evil reigns and stop!! You evil stupid girl why’d yo have to go and ruin everything for them go away now I hate you and I hate you more today and stopstopstop. Shut up and go away from me. You hate you and you hate me and I know why. Stopstopstop!!!!

That’s why I can’t sleep.

Racing thoughts again.

I need to see Dr. LB desperately.