You could cure me, you know.
You can take away this loneliness, this confusion, this dire need for company.
You can take it all away.
You can take away the pain; the endless night stretches out before me and I am lonely in its wake.
You really can stop this despair.
But you choose not to, and that makes all the difference.
of quiet desperation.
of silent waiting.
of unwashed wounds and uncleaned floors.
of knowing that you will never come back.
I do not know if I can partake of this way of life any longer.
You.
You in your anger; you in your lonely confusion; you in your sadness.
I’ve given up, as simple as that, in trying to fathom your abyssmal mind.
Shrewd conquests, lonely bottles and masquerades: they make up our past but never our future.
I insist on being fixated by you and I don’t know why.
Oh God, please tell me why.
My psychiatrist wants me confined because of the current state I’m in.
But I’d hate it and so we made a compromise: I’ll be under house arrest, pon 24 hour watch until I improve (I hope).
I don’t want to be confined again. I don’t have time for that. And it’ll ruin my life more.
Now I know.
Now I know where I stand: nowhere.
I can’t even begin to write about the heartache because I’m still experiencing it.
It just. fucking. hurts.
—
I’ve regressed in a very bad way.
All my 7 months of hard work to avoid doing what I shouldn’t do has been blown away.
I’m back where I started.
I’m back to hurting myself.
The Remeron is making me feel like a zombie. I can’t hold up a decent conversation anymore.
And I’ll always drowsy.
The 2mg clonazepam isn’t doing its job either. I don’t feel sleepy at all when I take it. I’m using it as an escape from the loneliness that surrounds me now.
—
You’re gone.
I’m all alone again..
I think I’ve been replaced already.
This feeling hurts and I want to go to national bookstore to buy a cutter. Which I will do when I log off.
I’d rather you treat me like garbage than to not be treated at all. I’m that despirate.
Remeron is okay, I just feel kind of drugged at the moment.
I want a hug, but no one is home to give me one. So I imagine your arms instead.
—
I just got my new laptop. And I was waiting for the happiness to sink in, except it didn’t.
I was waiting and waiting and nothing happened.
I still just want you.
I was just prescribed 30mg remeron (an antidepressant). I hope it works. I hope I don’t get fat on it.
I was on in before, back in rehab, and it did wonders for me.
I’m crossing my fingers now that it will work the second time around. I’m just feeling pretty lethargic at the moment.
Maybe I’ll go sleep now.
—
I’ve taken my nap and now I’m just bored. Maybe I’ll take a tab of Rivotril again so I can fall asleep.
I just want to sleep my sorrows away, if that’s possible.
—
I’m listening to OUR songs and I feel back where I started. Back where I originally was.
Songs and scents have that power, you know? Of bringing you back to a different time and place…
