An Inconstant Moon February 28, 2009

I hate how you don’t quench my love of patterns. Themes. Predictables.

(Here I am again, equating relationships to simple chemical formulas.)

But then again, without patterns, how do I know? How the hell do I know anything for sure?

I hate to be kept balancing on a see-saw, tip-toeing at your periphery like some sort of phantom that won’t fade.

I would like to predict things. Because I am good at that. And you! You I cannot predict. And I hate it. And you know why? Because my mood shifts with each tortious turn.

I am so externally determined. Fucked up and drowning in locked up tears.

Tangina kasi eh. Why do I choose to let this happen to me? It is a choice that I regret. But the choice hase been made. It is something I cannot undo, only remedy with copious poems, entries and songs.

That’s my life from now on.

Welcome to my world.

[I reach out to the distant starlight, only to find that stardust does not quench my hunger. I say that you can leave, but upon typing out these words, I realize it is all a lie, and I want you here with me.]

The Broken Clock February 27, 2009

I figured it out all on my own.

I’ve decoded you.

I know now. I know.

I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Never will.

Thoughts of the past run through my head swiftly. The mistakes I made, the things I should’ve said instead. I won’t hesitate again. I promised myself that.

‘Knowledge is a double edged sword,’ I said. ‘And you permeate me already.’

In short, I don’t want to wait anymore, and with each passing day, I’m growing more and more numb.

The clock ticks and it is relentless, and I hope against all possibilities and hope grows cold and expires. I hate how I still hope. Ang kulit ko eh. Punyeta.

In Which I Numbed Myself Down February 26, 2009

I immersed myself in things other than thoughts of you and it felt great. My friends are right. “Think outwards.”

I think I’m learning to refocus, taking away these damn blinkers once and for all.  

I’m learning to unlearn you, part by part.

I’m not expecting anything anymore from you. Nothing. That’s what I am expecting. Nothing. It’s better off this way. No disappointments.

Barricades and locks and alarms. I’ve put them in place again.

Do you know how it feels like to have your feelings fade away? Only to have the embers flame again in a day or two? That’s how I am, that’s how I feel. But I’m snuffing the fire out. At least I try to.  Why? Why do I insist on keeping my feelings locked up and away? 

Because I cannot take the pain of being left behind again. And if you leave, (or if you already left) I wouldn’t know what to do. So I’m a coward, and I try to play it safe. I’m pathetic this way.

[For the uninformed, this isn't about Mark, it never was. ]

—- 

I’m so excited for the Clinico-pathological conference (CPC) tomorrow.

I can’t wait to find out the exact diagnosis of the “yellow imp.”

I hope we’re right. Or at least close to right.

—

I’m getting extrapyramidal symptoms from my meds. My doctor said to take Bendryl for it because biperiden isn’t working anymore. I’ll try it out later. It may make me extra sleepy, which is good. I won’t need to take Stilnox tonight.

Give You Back February 25, 2009

I think you’re gone. Or going.

I don’t know. I never really know.

I wish you would just tell me if you’re planning to leave me behind again.

But then again, I may be hypersensitive to abandonment or perceived/ imagined abandonment. Again, I don’t know.

I’m falling to pieces again. This is an example of how fast my mood swings. See, two days ago, I was fine. Numb, even. Now I’m not.

You melted the frost with your arrival, and again at your departure.

—

Winter

I do not know why

I have no feelings today

With a heartbeat and a sigh

I blow your memories away.

Away they go

Surrendering to the sky

I am alone and so

I can both live and die.

My mind screams your name

My heart turns away

This girl will never be the same

There’s nothing left to say

You changed me abruptly

You entered my world

Then you left suddenly

As I knew you would

But now I’m numb to the core

No emotions elicited here

I’m not the same as before

When loving you was near

You’re just a rising addiction

That I can’t really stop

But I’ve got a goal, a mission

I’ve got to get on top

Checkerboards and kings

That’s where we are

I know what this game brings

As I wish upon a star

I can’t find you anymore

Pushed you someplace lost

My heart, my heart is sore

And the winter brings this frost.

Learn to Fly February 24, 2009

Today, I don’t care.

I took the bait a long time ago, but I’m not feeling the hook in my mouth today. Perhaps I let it go. Or it’s gone. Or I swallowed it whole. I don’t know.

But now, I don’t feel a thing. It doesn’t matter anymore what you do or don’t do. I don’t care. And now, I surmise, I don’t know why I even cared in the first place. I’m numb to the core.

Or maybe I’m just too busy. Or maybe because I have learned the mechanics of this game. I feel in control, for once. I’m liking this feeling, or rather, the lack of it.

Checkerboards. That’s what my world is made up of. Black and white squares. And nicotine nights tinged with alcohol.

I can’t help but recall scenes from the past. The past I’m trying to forget, the past I’m dying to relive, the past I’m trying to reconstruct. It’s all here. But I have managed to separate emotion from these tired, old scenes and they fail to evoke any meaning from me today.

The point is, today, I’m okay. I’m doing just fine. Just right. And today is the perfect time for you to leave, if you mean to, because it won’t mean anything to me if you do. That’s just today. I don’t know about tomorrows.

In Which I Drowned Out The World February 22, 2009

I just drown out the world with music and nicotine nowadays.

There are some potent truths that I can’t face. Too many things that bother me.

But I will live through this.

I will.

And I don’t need another confinement at Dr. Los Baños’ new rehab this time. Because I will make it.

—

Today I have no feelings. I drowned out the world again with studying for the HEENT exam.

Spent a good 8 hours or so at Starbucks studying with Jover and Nica. It was good.

I thought about you, but in a mechanical way, devoid of feeling. For now. I’m sure my mood will swing the other way again sometime during the middle of the week.

I hate how you render my universe negotiable with your every whim. But I choose to let you do that. I choose it. And that sucks. Big time. But it’s okay. I’ll live through this.

If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll only make you stronger.

Sunrise February 21, 2009

I am filled with hope and a certain amount of numbness today.

Somehow, things are a bit clearer to me. Like some protocol, the mechanics of certain things have been revealed to me. It taught my heart not to expect certain things at certain times.

This will help me tremendously.

More than you’ll ever know. (I see these words reflected elsewhere, in another time and place, in another scenario. I hold them sacred.)

Trials

I see you in the distance

Pedestals and skyscrapers

I am enamoured by this mystery

Trapped in this ravine

And I am addicted to:

Being in the middle,

Being in between,

Not knowing where

I should stand or stay

Underneath

The ever-changing sky.

Fuck February 19, 2009

I don’t know how I feel. I really don’t. I’m divided into two. Of wanting you and hating you at the same time. Of missing you and just wanting you to get out of my head.

Won’t you offer me some kind of consolation? Some semblance of comfort? Of love?

What is it that I want from you?

I don’t know.

I’m being stressed out and obsessing again, says Dr. Los Banos. That’s why last night, I hallucinated again that things were breaking in my room. Broken glasses everywhere. And that something was moving in my room. So I opened the lights and checked and there was nothing, obviously.

So my Abilify will be upped to 25 mgs starting tomorrow. And I think my depression has something to do with my cross-titration between Lamictal and Topamax. I’m on too low a dose of Lamictal for mood stabilization. But slow is the way to go, I know. Can’t wait for it to be upped, so I can feel better. But I must find ways of feeling better by myself, without the meds.