I meant it.
And now I regret not following through with what you and I both wanted.
I was just scared.
And you knew it.
I said I’m sorry.
Things of the past ran through my head and I could not comprehend what the future or present might be.
I said I’m sorry again.
And you sat there like a phantom in the night, reading my thoughts, triggering something in me.
Then you vanished, now without a trace.
Again.
Thin ice getting thinner as the hours go by.
Perennial wanderings of a mind knowing nothing but automation:
A lock clicks,
Feet shuffling to greet a new night.
The air curling smoke,
The smoking curling as tendrils of long-forgotten times,
Charades and masquerades,
Liquors and rhymes,
There are savages wrought in times like these.
The mind turns a blind eye to the already failing heart:
There is hope where there is courage,
And there is truth where there is life.
I’m beginning to see how people love me.
I’m beginning to see how much I matter.
I still feel lonely at times, and I still crave some of the things I used to have, but that will pass in time.
I’m looking forward to some things come new year.
It’s a secret what they are. Hehe.
Basta. They will come. Haha.
Merry Christmas to everyone.
I screamed at the sky
Silence peaks
And I stand alone against the whirlwinds of the world
My eyes a crimson shade
I need to know this right now
You ask me if your love is still enough
To get me through the day
The machineries coil around my fingertips
I am here
The insipid sky parts to let me through
I need to see this day depart
And in its wake I see that you are there
A thousand miles away from me
I woke up and remembered painful metaphors about my heart.
Bruised, bluish and purple- yes, that’s what it is now.
It’s Christmas, and maybe the combination of Stilnox and alcohol that I drank last night lulled me into too long a sleep. I’ve been weaving in and out of consciousness the whole day.
Or maybe I’ve been putting my shield of courage up and down in trying to face the realities of life.
I do not know anymore.
I said in previous posts that I am better. I still am.
It is the mechanics of everyday living that bother me. It is the machinery of life that take its toll. But in my stagnant room, with no moving air, windows closed, nobody in and nobody out, where there is no semblance of change, I am indeed better. Can someone be better if one cannot handle the changes? I don’t know. Maybe not.
But I am fighting still. Fighting, fighting, fighting. I will not stop fighting because there are people who love me, and they deserve fighting for.
I was euphoric.
I still am.
Dr. LB says it’s hypomania.
Which explains why I think I have special abilities and that I’m an Old Soul, reincarnated and whatnot.
Which explains why I think I’m special.
Which explains why I couldn’t sleep even after a 10mg tablet of Stilnox.
Which explains why I was exercising at 1 am.
Which explains why I was studying Pathology vigorously during the Christmas break.
Which explains why I now have a 10-page memoir dedicated to the pain of loss. The pen on paper was so damn fluid, the thoughts were racing so fast! It was so vigorous, so vibrant, so easy to write it. The words flew from pen to paper as water flows from stream to ocean.
Which explains my risk-taking behaviour concerning a cigarette and a window sill and the circumstances I am in right now.
All in one night.
Some part of me doesn’t want to stop Remeron when I feel so damn good on it. Some part of me is screaming that no, I’m not hypomanic, I’m just happy! I want to keep this euphoria for as long as I can.
I’m too happy today.
I’m too euphoric.
I can’t sleep.
I finished Kay Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind in 1 sitting.
I keep pacing round my room like a caged lion.
I can’t sit still.
My mind is just working too fast! Too damn fast.
I’m getting confused now.
I can’t stop moving. I can’t sleep.
I already popped my Stilnox about an hour ago and still I ‘m not even drowsy.
I feel so damn good! I food so optimistic! HAHA!
I ‘m loving this life. And tomorrow is a brand-new day. I love it!
I am an old soul, did I tell you that? I was reincarnated…, but my soul remained intact. So here I am, looking for others of my kind. I can tell by your eyes. I know. That is why there are some things that I just know: because I’ve been here before, eons ago, lifetimes before. I can also tell by the way you write. There is a certain passive melancholia to it that I can’t put my finger on.
But when we see each other, we’ll know.
In an instant, in a second, we’ll know.
And you will know me and I will have known you.
I was here.
And I will be here again.
There is such as thing as old souls. There are just those people. You’ll know them by the way they look at you, by the way they brood into the corner, by the way they smile. Something is different. There is a certain tiredeness to it all; a certainty that it will all happen again after all. And yet beghind those tired eyes lie centuries of wisdom not accounted for by their years on earth. These are the Old Souls. We hard to find, but when you find them, you’ll know in an instant. You just know.
Here’s a link I found explaining Old Souls: http://www.michaelteachings.com/old_soul.html
[P.S. I suspect I am going hypomanic. So Sorry. Bear with me]
Nondescript snowflakes float in my vision.
I am alone.
But I like it.
And you like it too.
We’re the same, you and I.
Still swimming that same blue sea.
