So it is the end.
Goodbyes are hard to swallow.
I will say no more for fear of implicating myself.
Case closed.
Stardust November 30, 2008
Feels like you don’t care anymore.
Feels like I’m being taken for granted.
Seems to me like the verdict is preempted, like a seesaw just tipping precariously to one side seconds before.
I don’t know.
I don’t know much these days.
*Sigh*
17 transes to study for Tuesday’s exam.
There’s nothing like work to get over a disappointment.
I wonder what happened to us, really. It started out so perfect. It started out as if we both won the grand prize at the lottery. Then little by little, something ate away the feeling. Gnawing at the periphery, like little demons. Fuck them. Fuck them for stealing away our happiness. And we had no clue. And we had no fight. And the fight is over before it even began.
So what now?
Like I said, I don’t know.
I’m giving myself until Friday to decide too if I still want this or not.
What makes me not want this? Simple: I don’t think I’m the right girl for you anymore…
Dimelo November 28, 2008
I keep waiting…
I’m not sure I’m up for it anymore.
I don’t want to drink my medicines anymore.
I don’t want to take my antipsychotics, specifically, anymore.
I want to be who I was before them, minus the cutting and the mood swings.
But is that even possible?
Limbo November 25, 2008
I never realized the effect I have on other people until the talk with Dr. Los Baños. Now I know. I’ll be more careful now.
I keep listening to the same song over and over again. It’s healing me bit by bit, I think.
It’s helping.
The verdict isn’t out yet.
I wonder when…
Numb November 20, 2008
I’ve been swamped with too much feeling that I don’t know what to feel first so I regress: I now feel nothing. And my panic button is turned on because I am afraid of this nothingness. What if I can’t get any feeling back when I need it?
I’m trying to take your advice and not think of you leaving me, but it’s way to late. My mind is set. I am prepared. I am here and not cowering in the darkness like you were afraid I would do.
I am trying not to act like the victim, like you said I always act like. It takes two to tango, after all.
Oh, I know I’ll miss you. I’ll miss the way you smell. I’ll miss the way you laugh. I’ll miss the way flip my chin on the way home. I’ll miss the way you say “kiss” when you bring me home. I’ll miss the way you say “by” (pronounced bee). I’ll miss eating at Mr. Kebab and Everything at Steak and always giving you half my rice. I’ll miss eating at North Park with you, drinking with you. I’ll miss your family. I’ll miss everything about you. I’ll miss smoking with you. I’ll miss holding your hand when we walk. I’ll miss saying good morning to you everyday. I’ll miss your funny stories, your jokes, your comments. I’ll miss how you make me feel. I’ll miss how you make me want to be a better person.
I now know how hard it is to be with someone like me. I see your point of view perfectly. Crystal clear. Lesh explained things to me this afternoon. And I understand you. I understand you now. I wouldn’t want to be with me too…
But that’s that… I can’t make you stay and I won’t make you stay if you don’t want to… I love you too much for that.
If loving you means letting you go so you can be happy with someone else, then you’re free to go hun… you’re free to go..
[I'm sorry if this post is premature. It's my defense mechanism. I am regressing terribly.]
The Past November 16, 2008
I’m damaged.
I can never erase my past, and you can never forget it either.
That leaves me nowhere.
Nowhere.
The caustic soda of roads that go winding.
I wonder what will become of us now that you’re apprehensive and I’m thinking if I’m the right girl for you.
Should I stay or should I leave?
I love you too much to flood you with myself any longer.
I can’t do anything about my past, all I can change is my future.
Will you accept that promise?
Or will you insist that I’m too damaged to repair? Because that’s what you’re telling me if you leave me- that my past is just too difficult to handle, my scars are too deep to bear, that I’m too damaged to be with…
I never thought my wretched past would catch up with me like this… not this way…
Tssss November 14, 2008
I feel so stupid trying to fit in.
So grade school.
So elementary.
I shouldn’t have to do this- not at my age.
But I have to, I want to.
I’m at the point of quitting my meds just to fit in.
Yeah.
I’m telling Dr. Los Baños that I don’t need them anymore.
I just want to be normal. And I don’t want to keep waiting anymore.
I hate waiting.
I’m damaged enough as it is without time wearing me away…
