Did we lose something along the way?
Did we lose ourselves?
I think we lost something.
[It's not walls that's our enemy after all. It's this void. This non-feeling. This lack.]
Rush September 29, 2008
My skin turns cold at the sight of the things I cannot be.
I shy away from these phantoms and yet my arms are wide open.
Pinagpipilitan ko lang ba ang sarili ko?
I ask myself these questions at 1:30 in the morning, in the middle of cramming for a hellish exam.
I am somewhere in between here and there and have been for some time now.
I am tired of being in between always.
I am trying to find my place, as usual.
Will you help me?
Where do I belong?
Here or there?
I do not know who I am.
Plans September 20, 2008
I hope they work.
Prayers sent. Wishes thrown to the winds.
Oh, the lonely heart sits on the window sill wrapped in smoke:
Fervently wishing for a better tomorrow.
Captured epiphanies waiting to be recalled
in lists, lists and lists.
Frantic calling-outs to the stars.
There are things in life
that hang by a thread.
Cold Turkey September 18, 2008
I’m back where I should be.
I’m sure again.
I want this.
I’m back to wanting this more than anything in the entire world.
And all it took was some tweaking of my inner self.
I’m still encrypting everything, though, for safety purposes.
—-
ASMPH YL6 hell week commences tommorow with the Patho/Microbio Lab exam. Damnit. Haven’t studied a thing. Ayayay. Another sleepless, caffeine and smoke-filled night lies ahead for me. Welcome to med school.
Somewhere in the Middle September 15, 2008
I’m keeping quiet.
I won’t say a thing.
It’s a mystery how I feel today.
Except that I’m not sure anymore.
Realizations Again September 10, 2008
I’m going to be mature about this.
And I’m going to take things day by day.
I realized that I look to you for security and that’s wrong.
I’m waiting for you to fill a huge void inside of me, which I should fill.
But no more.
Today, I start anew.
I love you.
1 AM September 8, 2008
Barricades, and closed doors.
When will I break through?
Just one more day, I tell myself.
Oh, how I love you.
I’ve seen this feeling before.
On so many eyes, on so many faces.
And now I know how much it hurts.
How frustrating it can get.
But I will persist, because I know from the other end:
It was never meant to sting.
It was meant to protect.
