EveryMan June 29, 2008

I’m going to be normal.

It’s a plea and a wish and a promise all rolled into one.

It’s hard living this way and maybe I would even lose you if things got out of hand.

I can’t make my world revolve around you. It doesn’t.

I guess the problem with me is that I love fully and completely. It does say on the quotation in this blog that “…and a lover is a god.” That’s how I am. I can’t help it. The most I can do is try not to freak you out.

So I will be normal for you. And it starts here.

—

I’m back on Abilify and Topamax. Yay. Back where it all began.

You June 27, 2008

You hit me like a hurricane. And walking around with your aftertaste in my mouth is like being under a nozzle spewing gasoline. Absolutely perfect.

Don’t Know How To Feel June 25, 2008

I’ve been depressed again. I couldn’t get out of bed and just kept throwing up because I was so anxious. Anxious of what? I don’t know. The thing with depression is, you never have clear-cut answers except that you know that you’re depressed.

I just felt the world caving in, and I couldn’t move and I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t make myself believe in things like love and hope.

My aunt has convinced me to go back to Dr. Los Banos. In truth, I felt better the whole time I was under his care. And I do miss the old fart. That cheers me up. So I am making an appointment for Sunday, when I can see him.

I’m back on Risperdal and Lithium. My short stint on Amisulpride left me with a soar coccyx from fainting and falling.

Oh No June 21, 2008

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and I bravely asked a few questions, not wanting to hear the answer. Well, I got what I bargained for.

I have schizoaffective disorder. It’s a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

And when I asked how long I will be needing to take meds, she said that I need to take meds for life.

The implications of this are astounding. I need to be medicated forever. I will never be free of antipsychotics. I will always have to drink down pills.

My new drug is the atypical antipsychotic Amisulpride (Solian). So far it’s okay for me. It’s not at all sedating, in fact I had trouble falling asleep after I took it.

Normal June 18, 2008

I feel so normal lately. And I love the feeling. I don’t feel medicated at all and I think I can function reasonably well. I don’t feel so abnormal anymore.

Thank God for lithium, lexapro and haldol. Though I thought the drug combination was an overkill for me (haldol is a potent antipsychotic and lithium is, well… lithium), it has worked out okay.

I’m crossing my fingers that this will be the med combo for me at long last.

Being Me June 14, 2008

I hate being bipolar and having the mood swings.

I am not above wishing that I was always manic instead- crazy in love, with lots of energy and feeling like I can take on the world. Then comes the spinning thoughts. Thoughts that come too rapid to be understood. Then comes the paranoia about everything and anything. Then comes the crushing depression- where everything is hopeless and hope itself is futile. You feel like there’s no way out of the doom that awaits you, like there really is no point in living because you’re just a waste of valuable resources.

Alas, welcome to my life.

I wish I was normal. I wish I was a perfectly normal girl with perfectly normal issues- no suicidal ideation, no “socio-occupational dysfunction” as my shrink puts it, no constant thoughts about self-harm. But I’m not a normal girl, nor will I ever be. I will always realize that I have come too close to the tip of the rabbit’s fur (to use a Sophie’s World analogy). I will always believe in despair because it sure does believe in me.

But what is it to be normal? I can’t quite put it into words but I know it when I see it: the happy girls, not caring too much about anything, ready for laughter and fun, not stuck up in the grips of despair. I can tell you what’s not normal: ME. Constant thoughts about ripping out my skin, jumping out the window, writing names across my arms, overdosing on anything I can get my hands on, the death wish at every sentence. This is not normal. I hate being mentally ill.

I’ve never accepted the fact that I was mentally ill until recently. What triggered the acceptance, I do not know. Just that I accept it now as part of me, or me.

Maybe there is a light at the end of the storm. I’m slowly beginning to see it. I’m back on lithium 450mg twice a day, 5mg haldol and 10 mg lexapro. I’m feeling okay on this new med combo. Hopefully, I’ll begin to feel better as soon as possible.

Mushy Post June 11, 2008

Since I’ve been feeling sentimental lately, here’s a mushy post to start the day with:

I love him.

I love him with a certainty as ever-present as the wind, as hard as stone.

I love him with a certain quiet desperation owing to the fact that I don’t know how to express my love except in words.

Words fail me at times to describe how I feel.

He is making me whole again, teaching me to live.

He has taught me the meaning of love and life and beauty and laughter.

I love him to the exclusion of all else.

I love him to the ends of the earth and if I shall live again, I will find him again and again.

Twice or thrice I had loved him before now, and I shall tumble the world over to find him again.

I love him because I have decided to love him.

I love him because there is no other way than this.

Yes! Finally, I have let it out. I love him, I really truly love him. I know how to love! I know how to love! I should shout that at the top of the highest mountain! I do know how to love!

Period June 10, 2008

I just know that when I feel so crappy, I’m going to have my period the day after and it’s true. But I had a lot of fun at Puerto Galera. I loved the beach and the people I’m with. But what I loved the most was seeing Mark happy. That really made me happy. I just realized a few things back there. One, that I really really love him to the point that if he’s happy, then I’m happy, regardless of whether it’s with me or not. Two, some things are scarier than monsters- it’s the demons inside you. But nevermind about that. I’ve got a paper to write. Ciao.