Tired May 29, 2008

I’ve had this nagging feeling of… of nothingness for the past few days. Like I’m not in sync with life anymore. Like my brain is going through a different rhythm than the world. It’s bothering me a lot. And more than a few times, I have woken up on the middle of the night terribly paranoid, scared and, most of all, angry.

Angry at what? Angry at whom?

I don’t know.

I guess depression reduces the Self to a complete Other that is available for self-destruction when nothing else seems to deserve it.

I’ve been reading the Noonday Demon, and a passage there struck me (again). It goes like this: a man who kills himself kills everyone else. And it is true. I want to kill myself to be rid of the world and not the other way around. I want to kill myself to destroy everything. In death, there is nothing to be had.

This insight has dawned on my the past few days. But now I don’t know what to do with it. I’m still fucked up, as the saying goes.

[Lexapro is back in my cocktail of medicines.]

Hello Haldol May 26, 2008

I wonder what you’ll make of me, if it will numb me like the other antipsychotics I tried.

Will it quiet down my mind for good?

What will it do to my quality of living?

It’s supposed to be an old-school antipsychotic, which makes it very potent and laden with side effects. I am still resisting taking quietiapine (Seroquel) because of the weight gain it’s supposed to cause.

Today, we visited the Psychiatric ward of Medical City and I felt home. Not because I belong there, confined, because of my tortured mind, but because psychiatry holds a special place in my heart.

A physical illness can be considered separate from the self. “I have cancer,” I hear people say. But the illness can be considered separate from them. Not in psychiatry. Depression takes its toll on your self-image, on how you feel, how you view life and, (for me) if I deserve life at all.

So I guess Psychiatry is now at the top of my options for a specialty.

—

I’ve gotten used to ignoring certain things, and I am beginning to forget them. This is dangerous. If I forget them, I cannot feel them anymore…

Blank May 24, 2008

No me dejes.

Signal Fire May 22, 2008

I’m feeling better.

I’m beginning to discover the true meaning of hope.

And love.

I’m reading the Witch of Portobello and one of the passages there struck me: the martyr discovers herself through pain and suffering.

Here I am, then, I found myself.

Uh-Oh May 11, 2008

There are too many things in my head. Too much to comprehend, to write, to speak of. I am maimed. I cannot do this anymore.

I am never satisfied. I don’t know what I want. I am selfish and obsessive. And my imagination runs wild with potent images that scar me. They scar me. As if I wasn’t scarred enough.

But it is all my fault.

Am I such an egotist that I equate the failures of the world to my own? If everything is my fault, then does that mean that I expect everything to depend on me? Yes. I am such an egotist.

Hate me, hate me. There’s no reason to love me.

Phenomenon May 8, 2008

As predicted, I’m back down here again.

I’m scared, paranoid, obsessive and selfish.

I can’t handle it anymore. There are too many things running through my mind that weren’t there a week ago. Oh God, why haven’t you given me the strength to fight this? I have succumbed.

Now I want to cut, cut, cut and die. I was thinking of jumping off the window of our building yesterday. I was thinking of accidentally slipping on the ledge. But there are more pleasant ways to die. Ways, that I will find… For, I cannot live like this anymore.

Disable May 4, 2008

The disquieting feeling has been growing in the pit of my stomach. I do not know what it is or what to make of it, all I know is that it is disturbing the peace and tranquility I have known lately. Like some wasteland it’s making me. Empty. Desolate. Full of smoke and shadows. I cannot comprehend this anymore. I’m just praying not to slip down again. I can’t anymore.

But it’s nagging me. I’m crumbling at the edges little by little again. I must remain composed. I must do this right and do this now.

I’ve been skipping my medications lately. I hate the feeling of being dumbed down, unable to think, unable to feel. I think I’ll just take it when I need it. I’ll ask Dra. Corpuz about going back to lithium regularly and just taking Risperdal when I need it.

—

I spent 9 hours with you yesterday and I loved it. I’ve found peace.

Steep May 2, 2008

I think I may be going down again. The feeling has been nagging me since earlier today. I feel the telltale signs of depression creeping up on me again. I’m going to fight it this time. I’m going to do all I can not to spiral down again. I kind of don’t know what to do at the moment. Everything’s going fine. Everything is okay. But I do not know why this feeling is lingering in my periphery, like some long-forgotten shadow waiting to take its toll.

I’m scared.