Safe April 29, 2008

I’ve been feeling better the past few days. I feel like my life finally has a direction, and I have a place to go and I have some certainty of getting there.

Either Risperdal is working really well, or I’m just too busy to be depressed. I think it’s the latter. There’s so many things to do that I really can’t think of anything depressing at the moment. I mean, I can think on them, but I can’t feel them. That’s the beauty of preoccupying your mind so much that there isn’t any room to think of the usual things: death, self-destruction, decay.

Now that I’m feeling good, I can’t imagine how I felt when I was down. I really don’t feel it. I don’t know it anymore and I do not wish to know it again.

Breathing April 28, 2008

I’ve finally been able to breathe freely. I got my diploma! Yehey! I feel free and actually like I really graduated na. I’m finally done with Ateneo de Manila University!

Well, next stop is med school.

I’m so happy I won’t be taking removals. I actually passed first year medical school. Yey!

There are so many things to be happy about at the moment. We’re moving on Saturday. My tita is the one designing the place. We already bought paint: pine bough, ruby red, sunnyside up yellow, acacia flower and the paint for most of the walls? Bone white. How morbid can you get? Hehehe. We already bought 5 paintings as decor. My tita will give us two more.

This is my first time to experience moving and actually furnishing a house. There are so many things to buy and so many things to decide on. In any case, I can’t wait to move.

Also, I’m very happy with Mark. I just feel completed. I feel like I’ve found a non-twisted, improved version of myself. So am I narcissistic? I hardly think so. All I know is: I would cross oceans for this love. I would, really.

Trapped April 27, 2008

Lately, I’ve been realizing just how tangled up my mind is.

I think too much, and I doubt my own words, actions, concepts. My mind is in a continuous state of redefining itself. And the wake is much to much to bear.

Blah April 25, 2008

I thought I could get my diploma na, hindi pa pala. Damnit. I’m so frustrated. I keep wondering if I was hallucinating the whole time I had the text conversation with Myrna about her clearing me. Damnit. Damnit. I almost want to cut myself again.

—

There are just some things I cannot do. I’ve accepted the fact.

Nothing April 22, 2008

We’re moving in next week. That’s the word. I love it for enumerable reasons that I dare not write here.

—

I think I know what a part of my problem is: I do not know what to do with all this time. I never had a summer break after high school. In college, I had summer classes every single summer. Now, I don’t know what to do with my day. I’m not so used to being able to decide what to do. I have all day free. Now, I’m being plagued with having nothing to do and, I hate to admit it, it feels just fine.

Who Am I Kidding? April 21, 2008

There is always aggression lingering beneath the placid surface of my facade. Always. And I will always want to spin my head into destruction, like those monsters in the movies go when they are stabbed. Like rapidly wilting flowers, turning crazily from side to side.

I can feel it now, the desire to destroy myself. It is forever there, lingering like tender frost. And I am slowly getting frostbite.

I need something to make me forget. I need something to stop me from remembering how i really am.

[Could that be you?]

Arrested April 20, 2008

I have a million reasons to love you but I can’t seem to pin any one of them down.

Is it the way you complement me that makes me not-so-abnormal because I can, after all, still be complemented? Or is it like the Induced Fit Model for enzyme binding (I am this shape and you simply complement whatever shape you find)? Or is it that when I look at you, I also see a vision of what I want to become for you and because of you?

I am not so lost now. I have a path ahead of me.

[This new determination fills me with hope, which was obliterated a few days ago. I hope this lasts long...]

Neutral April 19, 2008

I am sitting here laced with fear and apprehension of what is to come.

Most days, I would be crazily cutting myself. I would be wanting die and making plans to. I would be on the bathroom floor savoring its smoothness against the arid color of crimson against it.

But today, I lie in my bed and think of you. I think of myself, all gray and shriveled up. And I realize that it is your hand that I would like to be holding, you I would like to lie beside. This vision has kept my hopes up and renewed the fight in me. It’s as if I have forgotten all the things that the voices in my head were telling me. Today, they disappeared.

I only hope, however, that they are gone for good. And that my hope does not wane in the face of future adversities. I wish that I remain stable for long, with or without antipsychotics in my system. Because I know that this is Risperdal speaking now, this is Risperdal calming me down.

I wish I can survive sanely without these expensive drugs in my system. I want a clear mind for the school year ahead because it will be tougher. I cannot be falling asleep in class anymore. I cannot have a cloudy mind. Strangely enough, about 3-4 hours after taking Risperdal, my mind clears like now. But I cannot have that. I must adjust to this medicine like I adjusted to Abilify: it felt like nothing except calmness of mind and absence of paranoid thoughts.

I want to be rid of my troubles for good. I want a solid, sure future. I do not want another plot for suicide in my mind. I do not want to keep doubting you. I do not want to keep doubting myself.