I already know what my problem is.
I do not want you to remember.
I do not want you to go there again, there where I cannot reach you.
It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, it makes me succumb to things I thought I had forgotten long ago…
I cannot go there, I cannot go there.
Don’t leave me here.
I keep forgetting how real you must’ve been.
We keep backtracking, reverberating, resonating. I am confused. I don’t know which to forget first: the past or the future.
Take me back to that time, to the place in your mind, where I can be.
I’ve had the strangest feeling (to the tune of the song). No, but seriously. I’ve not been feeling myself lately. I feel so out of it all. It’s not even mere sadness, or loneliness anymore. Those I can handle. But this… this is something new altogether. I don’t want to socialize, I don’t want to see people. I don’t get excited anymore, I don’t feel thrilled anymore. I can never laugh wholeheartedly like I used to. In short: I can’t let myself go. But it gets complicated because here’s how my mind works: If I can’t let myself go, then I can’t let anybody in. And I’m tired and worried and agitated. All for good reason. But, like I said, I don’t need this now. Perhaps, at the root of it all, I feel so… abnormal. There. Abnormal in every sense. My chant would always be “why can’t I just be normal?” But it will never happen, and I think that is plaguing me right now.
As much as I do not want to be like any other, I wish to be as good as the Other. Which I am not. And the insecurity is killing me, literally.
So I think back to the days when I had it all planned out… How I would exit this stage, how I would bid the sad, crazy world farewell. It all sounds so dramatic. And it is.
But I remember the promise that I made to Mark recently: I will not commit suicide. So there.
That leaves me dying in other ways, though…
Dear God,
Why me? Why does this all have to happen to me? I do not understand. I fail to comprehend the enumerable echoes that reverberate in my soul now. All I can do is bury my head and weep. Weep for all that I know I could be, weep for all that I know I must be. There’s so much going on in my head, it’s not even funny. I’ve been ignoring it, Lord, but lately all my dreams have been turning to dust. Lately, everything has been going wrong. I am tired. I need sanctity. I need protection. This is the first time, God, that I have asked you to protect me. Protect me, Lord, from myself…
With the amount of stress on my mind and my current situation, I think that I would go insane again if it weren’t for the lithium. And the surmontil.
I am lost. More lost than before. And I’ve got no home to be lost in. I’ve got no place to be quiet and alone, no place to smoke on the bathroom floor of, no place to call my own. I’ve got nothing.
But I have friends and family and they are helping immensely. They really are. Thank God for them, and for Mark too.
I think I’m bordering on insanity, but not quite. We’ll see how things go.
I can’t help it.
Everything in my life is going wrong.
I can’t seem to focus at school and I’m always tired.
I just always want to go HOME.
But I know I’ll never feel at home again anywhere.
That means I’ll forever be tired and restless…
I just want to go home!
I miss my home! I don’t want a house, I want home!
Our house burned down.
Now I have nothing.
Zero.
Nothing.
I watched all my memories burn.
