Lately I’ve been very very hotheaded. I’m irritated by everything and anything. I don’t know why this is happening to me.
I guess I’m so pressured to do well that it’s eating me up.
Oh damnit. I must be a masochist for going to med school.
Remember February 20, 2008
Just because you’re in med school doesn’t mean the whole world stops.
I have to keep remembering that.
Dream February 13, 2008
Life. Dreams. Futures.
My days are stitched with promises.
—
I’m considering transferring to UERM next year. Maybe I’ll be better trained there too. It’s not fair to say that ASMPH isn’t training us so well: IT’S JUST ME. Me and the system. My mind and how it perceives the world and how it fits with the curriculum. I don’t know.
Stellar February 9, 2008
Surmontil is my new drug.
I hope it works.
For a moment, I felt normal last night. Then I suddenly crashed back down.
So I really am contemplating the fact that I do need medications. Possibly for life.
It sucks.
This February 6, 2008
I’m depressed again. I’m anxious and scared and witless and stupid and fat. My psychiatrist told my mom to keep a close eye on me. Because I’m thinking about death. Well, I AM thinking about dying. I don’t know what has gotten over me. I need a rescue ASAP.I don’t recall when I got this depressed again. I was happy on abilify, lamictal and prozac. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling this way again on lithium. Maybe it is the price I have got to pay for feeling joy more. I’m bipolar. Never has it struck me more than today. I’m manic-depressive. I accept it now. I can never have joy without the sorrow. I can never smile and forget the tears I will have later on.
I wonder what medications I will be put on next. I really am tired of playing this med-go-round.
—
It hurts me that he refuses to talk of marriage and our life ahead. He refuses. And it’s all my fault. God, I hate myself.
Fuck February 4, 2008
I want to cut. I want to see those crimson lines that tell me I’m strong. Fuck.
Roller Coaster February 3, 2008
So I’m depressed again.
I don’t understand.
I really don’t.
I want to die. Or to cut. Or better yet, both.
Oh God, save me.
—
I hate it when people label themselves as Schizophrenic or Bipolar when they’re not. For some bizarre reason, some people think it’s cool. Well, if they were really mentally ill, they wouldn’t dare find it ‘cool’. Do they not know the torture it causes? The instability it entails? The lack of concentration, coordination and even perhaps, a lack of free will? Don’t get me started.
