Loving Lithium January 30, 2008

I feel better than ever!

I think I may be going slightly hypomanic since my psychiatrist told me to stop Abilify.

I may be going manic again.

I love the euphoria! I love the sharp, sharp mind. I love the way ideas flow into my brain like quicksand.

I’m being put on 900mg starting tomorrow. So far so good. And I actually CARE. I’m not so apathetic anymore. Perhaps it’s time to say goodbye to Abilify for me.

Side Effects January 28, 2008

The tremors have not gone away, which is why I’m currently taking 1mg Akineton (an antiparkinson’s drug) for it. It helps somewhat.

What I can’t figure out is what to do with the lethargy that I feel. I’m always asleep during class and I can’t focus or concentrate. There must be something I can do about it. There must be something I can take.

I don’t know yet if Lithium is good for me or not. I’ve been feeling a tiny bit down lately, mainly because I’ve gone of Prozac and Lamictal already. I may not be used to this. My mind is crowded with nothingness. Honestly. I don’t know what to report to Dra. Corpuz when I see her this weekend. She told me to increase my dose to 900mg by Saturday.

I’m glad I was able to resolve the issue with Dr. Los Banos. At least he’s amenable to me taking Lithium. At least napaalam ko na that I’m seeing a new psychiatrist. But I don’t intend to go away from him for good. I sure will miss his antics. And besides, part of having Borderline Personality Disorder is “fear of abandonment.” I’d hate to be abandoned by either of my two doctors.

Right now, all I’m concerned with is my medicines and how NOT to get fat from Lithium. So today, I started Atkins again. Good. Very good. I think Nicole Richie will be my inspiration (i.e. going from chubby to thin).

That’s all.

Oh and I miss Mark already. I’m glad he’s picking me up later.

Lithium January 26, 2008

Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without…
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don’t want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can’t break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

-Evanescence

So I’ve been put on lithium.

My first dose starts tonight. 450 mg (which is quite low, as a starting dose.)

I wonder who I’ll be tomorrow. I wonder how I’ll feel and through what new lenses will I see the world. I wonder if it will make me nauseous; if it will make me fat; if i will forget myself instead.

I’ve always been scared shitless about lithium. It’s one of those fabled psychiatric drugs. And now I’m on it. Now I’m one of them lithium takers. My blood serum levels will be measured in two weeks.

My new psychiatrist is okay. However, I know more about side effects than she does. I was the one telling her that Quietiapine causes weight gain! Ayayay. I wonder how I’ll fare.

A New Psychiatrist January 24, 2008

What will she be like?

What meds will I be put on next?

I don’t care as long as I’m not diagnosed with schizophrenia and it doesn’t make me fat.

Unwell January 22, 2008

I’ve been a bad girl.

As a little experiment, I haven’t taken my medications since friday.

Now I feel awful. I feel bad.

I can feel the edges of the world.

Will this be the way I’ll be after all this is over? I don’t know how to navigate around the world anymore. What will I be after these medicines? Who will I be? I don’t know myself anymore. And I’m still shivering from them, I’m still losing my hair.

I need a second opinion fast.

I need one now.

My psychiatrist says that it’s just stress-related. Stress? But I’ve always been stressed and have only now encountered this kind of manifestation. I don’t know what to do.

I think I’m getting depressed again.

The Problem January 21, 2008

It is the words of sorrow that I speak;

The shades of sadness that I know how to write.

Happiness leaves me maimed. And silent. And quick to laughter.

It is alien to me; it is not my native tongue.

My pages are blank more and more.

Blank January 20, 2008

Ang pag-alis ng iyong liwanag na gumising sa mahabang gabi,

Ika’y langit ngunit baka masanay

At di kakayanin ang iyong pag-alis.

Spiral January 19, 2008

I’m going in a spiral.

The old obsession kicking in,

I cannot tell which way.