Empty November 30, 2007

Now that love is out of my system, I’ve got nothing to write about. Absolutely nothing. I am strangely empty and my words are lost in fogs.

I am glad of it, though. I have lots of other things I suddenly have neglected: piles of books, my scattered stuff, connections with long-lost friends… the list goes on. Suddenly, because my world is free of you, I can see clearly now. The mists have lifted and I know exactly where I want to go and what I want to do. I have more vitality now. I can concentrate better; I can actually go for a whole day without thinking of you. I am free.

I was once bound and shackled to these undending thoughts of you. No longer. I feel lighter now, and safer. I feel better now.

All I needed was to get you out of my system. Damned if I knew. I’m going to rise up now. No more lingering on floors for me. I will be better. I will be sane. I will carry on.

My heart has entered into its long winter.  

At Last November 27, 2007

My mind is finally free of you.

Hurrah for a new dawn, a new beginning, a new lease on life wherein you do not exist for me.

Refugee November 25, 2007

I can get by without you. I am confident of this fact; this alluring wish to be rid of you. I can do it. If:

No semblance of you is scattered all over the place.

Every song would just retain its original meaning and not, as I have come to think, point to exactly me and you.

Every poem I write is not about you.

I could really go on for a day without thinking of you.

Our God is a God of mercy. One day, I’ll be rid of thoughts of you and this wishful thinking that perhaps one day we might be together. It’s delusional. It’s insane. But that’s exactly what I am, is it not?

A Prayer November 24, 2007

This may be the most unselfish thing that I have done.

Oh God, look after him. Make him happy. Give him all the things that I want for myself. Give him peace, he needs it. Give him joy, he deserves it. Give him all my love-I want none left for myself. I pray that you will forgive him for all his wrongs, and that you will give him a chance to find happiness, even if it’s not with me. Dear God, I tried to cure him from what ails him but I could not. Only You can. Let him rest in Your love. I gave you hatred and You loved me back. I gave You turmoil and yet You insist on giving me peace. Give him all this. Give him all this love. He deserves it more than I. Nevermind me. You can pour all Your hope and wisdom on him, and leave none for me. I think he needs it more. Give me pain, if You will give him life. Give me sorrow, if only he may smile and laugh more. Give me torment, if only he will find peace. Give me all his pains, I can carry his cross for him. Give me Your cross to bear, it’s my turn to weep and grieve. And I can weep and grieve for all eternity if only You will save him.

Today November 23, 2007

I don’t think I’ll ever see you again.

And I’m fine with that. Today, I’m okay with it.

For today.

“Addiction will almost always defeat a resolution to abstain but a vow to be true to the interests of someone you love is a very powerful thing.”

-from somewhere

To See You November 22, 2007

“An affectionate lack of ceremony,” is it?

Or do I pretend everything is exactly as they should be?

Or do we pretend not to know each other?

Or do we finally show the world what it really is?

Citadel November 20, 2007

Run your fingers through my soul,

Need me like I need you,

Take all these broken pieces and make me yours,

Like I can be yours.

Take me away from here,

Take me away,

Like you can

Face all my demons for me,

Like you can make it all go away.

(Because you can, you’re just not allowed to.)

And again I chant: Another lifetime, another lifetime, can I wait as long as that?

—

[Repost from March 10, 2007]

You kissed me and said ‘I could do this forever.’

Of course you never noticed that I pulled away slightly— I’ve heard those words before, from someone else’s lips and oh, the memories attacked me right then and there, while you kissed me with your wine-flavored lips, blissfully unaware.

Oh how I loved him.

But it’s over now. Now it’s you and I, stuck in a lopsided little niche with explosive possibilities. I’m scared and yet excited.

Nevermind the impending doom my heart will have to later take. It’s used to being broken anyway.

[Repost from November 18, 2006]

Kill me because I am eccentric. I miss looking up to you. I miss the pedestal you were on. I am a selfish, pathetic bitch but the fact remains that I can never respect you anymore. I never can.

My Mind Extrapolates November 19, 2007

I wonder how it feels like to go home to you everyday for the rest of my life.

Instead I’m left with this: being devoid of you for ever and not having a choice.

I want to wake up beside you everyday; to eat breakfast with you; to tell you how my day went and to listen to yours; to kiss you when I want to; to spend my quiet evenings with you; to be with you on a plane; to see the world with you.

But I can never ever have this and oh God, it pains me so. My mind extrapolates how it could all be like and the eternal torment is knowing that it can never be.