I’m tired and I just wish you were here.
That’s all.
Because you’ll make it all go away. I swear. You’re the best anecdote there is. I wish I could be with you now.
—
I’m feeling alot better since starting Prozac. Even if I failed today’s exams, I’m not in any way depressed or suicidal (like I usually am).
So starting tomorrow, I’ll be on Prozac. Should I be glad? No. I’m feeling guilty with all the expense I incur on medications per day.
I’m on 20mg Prozac, 10mg Abilify and 150mg Lamictal. I sincerely hope this cocktail works for me. I really want to get better. I want a quiet mind. I want to stop obsessing. Maybe I’ll be numb and I’ll stop thinking of you.
Yay.
My hollowed out resignation pursues you
(Symphonies rumble on in the distance)
A pious game of hide and seek,
As crimson pools invade the ivory tiles.
The smell of scar medicine
Augeries of well-forged secrecies
Forgetting laces the edges of crisp paper:
Lost and yet hanging in the distance.
(I need you)
My ears are deafened by the oblivion,
Silence gnaws at my periphery like
Little aches and pains that throb of sorrow.
(But I don’t need this anymore)
My fingers trace a faint reprise
I stand stock-still as shell-shock sinks in:
My soul turned to ashes seconds before rescue.
(You are lost)
I start my redemption
With my clumsy fingers and all I have,
I syllabicate a deep sigh and I set about
Reconstructing the universe once again.
For the nth time around, what am I doing here? Why am I in med school? Can I handle everything that is expected of me? I don’t know… I really don’t know..
I’m so close to tears now, and barely want to get out of bed. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to eat. I just want to lie in darkness and wake up to a better world wherein you’re here, and I’m doing fantastic.
But fairy tales don’t come true for me. They never do. I’ll never wake up to a better world. I must create it, therefore, it requires that I must stand up. And this I cannot do. I am stuck here.
I just want to die.
—
Regrets taint the heart,
And the winds howl your name.
I am alone against the
Insurmountable pressures that betray
My wasted tears
The emptiness surrounds me so
Eating up my soul in an inferno
Full of demise and memories bittersweet
That invade every crevice of my being
Until I decide to sleep and everything is okay
Chasing nothingness across the terrain
In my dreams, I can safely pretend
That I’ve forgotten.
So I said, ‘I need you to hate me. I want you to hate me.’ And I smiled as I said it. I seem to smile at awkward moments. Runs in the family. And my smile made him angry and he said “I hate you right now!” and I said ‘good.’
And he was close to tears as he kept telling me how hard it is. And just to make him hate me more, I said I’d go for a cig right then and there.
Oh, as I walked down the stairs, I could feel the weight of my decision and I wasn’t smiling anymore. I hated myself for smiling.
I could have killed myself right then and there. It’s not easy trying to turn love into hate, but the two are so similar in fashion.
I wish I wasn’t so wretched. I wish I wasn’t a trainwreck waiting to happen. I wish I didn’t have the natural propensity to ruin my life.
I can’t get you out of my head and I don’t want to. But I try.
I try because I have to. Because I need to.
But I need you, most of all.
But we’re not following the hierarchy of needs now.
I’ve realized that I can’t hesitate anymore. I gotta say what I feel, and feel what I feel and do what I want to do. Life is too short for holding back. I lost you because I held back a long time ago and it still stings. In the lone canvas of night, I think of you and I paint the night an arid shade of gray and blue with little stars in between. I keep remembering the things you told me, the things you did for me, the things you would’ve done for me had I not held you back. If I simply followed my heart, then I wouldn’t be so fucked up now. I would be crazy in love with you. Because I can love you like that. Crazy. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret ignoring you when you told me you felt things for me. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of the way you peered across the room as I walked in hand in hand with someone else. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember when you said you loved all of me and I took it as a joke and laughed! I laughed, beloved. I laughed! O cursed laughter. I should have said this instead: I love all of you too, and I will love all of you for the rest of my life. Because that’s the truth. Now I keep searching for you in:
someone else’s laughter
someone else’s smile
someone else’s arms
someone else’s tears
And I find fragments of you there and I’m never satisfied. I need you. And I’m too late. Next time I have the chance, you can bet your lucky stars on it, I’ll be telling you that I still love you. I’ll be telling you how I really felt, and I don’t care what happens afterwards. I don’t even need to be intoxicated. This bitter liquor has done enough for me, I think. I just need to tell you how I feel. For once, I can be honest with myself and with you. Why has it taken me so long? Why has it taken so goddamn long to spit out the truth? And I won’t hesitate again. Never again. Hesitation took you away from me.
[God, help me. Help me overcome this tortuous path. God, I need you now. God, save me from this torment. Save me. I need to forget this all. God, I've been a bitch and I know that. If you would just save me now, God, I'll be good. God, if you're listening, please help me shut up these thoughts in my head. My head is spinning, Lord. My head is breaking and crashing down. Help me. I can't do this anymore alone. My fingers are dripping with tears and my ankles are dripping with blood. Lord, I know this isn't right, but please help me stop thinking.]
ELPHABA
Kiss Me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You’re with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not forsee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me
And just for this moment
As long as you’re mine
I’ve lost all resistance
And crossed some border line
And if it turns out
It’s over too fast
I’ll make every last moment last
As long as you’re mine
FIYERO
Maybe I’m brainless
Maybe I’m wise
But you’ve got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I’ve fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I’m feeling
It’s up that I fell
BOTH
Every moment
As long as you’re mine
I’ll wake up my body
And make up for lost time
FIYERO
Say there’s no future
For us as a pair
BOTH
And though I may know
I don’t care
Just for this moment
As long as you’re mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I’ll be here holding you
As long as you’re mine
FIYERO
(spoken)
What is it?(etc.)
ELPHABA
(spoken)
It’s just for the first time,
I feel … wicked
