Alcohol doesn’t dissipate thoughts of you.
They are magnified, intensified and solidified until I can’t bear to be away from you.
And yet I bear it.
Each and every day.
I concede. You’re happier this way.
—
How do I win?
Can I even win this?
I want to die now. I want to bang my head on the wall until I smash it through.
Why am I feeling this way? Are my meds not working anymore?
I’m saddened by the fact. Yes. That’s it. I find you here, cold and desolate is the scene and yet so far I can’t reach you. Not again. Not ever again.
It’s hard talking to you and knowing that. It’s the wall of China between us, when it used to be millimeters only.
—
I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Maybe I don’t belong here. The question is then, where do I belong? If not here, then where? What am I supposed to do with my life? Am I the eternal spectator?
These rising obsessions,
Breaking through,
Breaking free,
Breaking out
Meekly, feebly through the drugged exterior of my wandering mind.
I am awakened by the beating of my own ragged heart and I am afraid.
I do not dwell beyond the extremities of my suffering today,
I am calm and collected and surreal.
It is not I that you face but she.
This is the I that speaks.
And I am obsessing again,
Lingering against someone else’s peripheries,
Daunting unaware as the immeasurable silence sinks in:
I am alone.
And my mind is touched in these rare occasions by the madness it has once known
And craves.
Oh salient, salty tears
Cradled against my fading dreams
Tearing apart this canvas inch by inch at the seams,
Where will thy be found out again?
At last med school feels like med school. Today, we got to work for the first time at the new Ortigas campus plus we have two exams on monday. And why am I happy, you may ask. It’s because I feel like I have a purpose in life now. I feel med school already. I feel it dripping down my throat. Hurrah!
No more listless days of not knowing what to do with myself. No more days of agonizing over doing nothing. Now comes the days of hardship, sweat, sleepless nights and shitloads of caffeine. Yay! I’m not even sarcastic. I’m happy about it.
At least something will keep me preoccupied.
At least something will pull the strings of sanity in my head together.
At least something will keep my mind away from many things that I don’t need.
Like you.
We’re starting The Cell Module tomorrow. Just basic stuff under Professor Nina Rojas.
Basically, my mind is empty. I don’t know if it’s an effect of the Abilify or Topamax. The volume is turned down or I can’t hear my thoughts at all so they don’t matter. Except I know I’m scared. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to cope with the material. I will try, however. I will do it. Once I get a book (or photocopy one hehehehe), I will work already.
I guess medical school would be a lot less like pre-med. In pre-med, I studied minimally except for the really hard subjects like Org Chem. Now, I plan to really put my mind into it. I want to excel, but I know that just to pass like everyone else would be a great thing for me already, what with all the things I’m dealing with. I just want to be normal. And I’ll do everything not to be left behind again. This is desperation speaking and I’m down on my knees for the nth time around and I can’t believe I’m here.
Is it so hard to be normal? Too much to ask to be just like everyone else? I’m thinking a lot less now. That’s good, I guess. I got Abilify or Topamax to thank for that. Intrusive thoughts are gone almost completely, obsessive behaviors are nill. Is this how everyone else is? Is this how normal feels like? See, I don’t know how normal is.
I wonder how long I’ll have to be on these antipsychotics and anticonvulsants. And when they’re no longer there, who will I be then? Will I be normal?
I just got my medical books today. I’ve been browsing through them and still I can’t shake the feeling of “Wow, me?”
I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know how I’ll be able to manage such a large amount of material and the complexity! Can I make it? Doubt seeps in quickly.
When I think of the sheer volume of materials that we need to cover for medical school, I could just faint. How am I supposed to manage? Simple: how other people have managed before me and after me. If they can do it, I can too. (That’s the spirit.)
I look at Grant’s Atlas of Anatomy and I weep. DeMyer’s just gives me question marks. In time, in time, I know. I both can’t wait and am scared shitless.
So the first week of classes is almost over and the load is very light (if I can call it a “load” at all).
I can’t wait for when we begin our formal classes next next week.
I’m not feeling medical school yet.
