I can’t sleep!I haven’t slept for 3 nights straight.
I took 30 mg of Iterax last night but it didn’t help at all.
I’m seeing Dr. Los Banos at 3 to see if he can help. I wonder if I’ll be prescribed another sedative.
Goldfish June 28, 2007
I’m bored and I just don’t need anyone right now.
—
Knocking on my heart again, are you? We’ll see. There are triple barricades on either side of the door. Entry not granted so easily, though you have been here before (have you? I doubt myself). We’ll see how things turn out. I always want what cannot be mine again.
—
For the nth time around, I should have said how I felt! Why am I so recklessly tongue-tied at the most crucial moments of my existence?
How can I be so eloquent and yet completely unable to say how I feel? The concept escapes me.
The Scientist June 24, 2007
And all I wanted to say was I loved you. And I kept my mouth shut.
Now, I think that by letting myself go enough times I could negate that one time when I should have said ‘fuck the world, this is how I feel.’ Do I hope to undo time by doing this over and over again? Do I hope that because I now constantly remind myself to just go with whatever goes my way, that I can undo the past? Did I hope to have built the perfect time machine? Repetition, repetition. If I do it enough times, perhaps the past will forgive me- I will forgive me.
I must be crazy then.
I must be a lunatic.
But I was a lunatic- I let love pass me by and now I regret it more than ever, more than anything, forever. This is why I deserve to be in an asylum. I twist thoughts in my head until there’s no more to wring from them.
Oooh June 18, 2007
I wonder who has been searching (literally) for me.
I’ve gotten search engine terms like “cristina angela carballo” and “asmph carballo.”
I’m famous! Nyahahaha. Just Kidding.
—
I’m bored. Damnit. I hate boredom. When I was young, I used to cry like hell when I got bored. Now I just linger, or sleep, or bug my mom.
I switched my meds. I’m taking Topiramate at night and the Abilify at morning. I wonder how I’ll fare. Abilify is supposed to be activating while Topiramate is supposed to be sedating. I used to take both in the evening. Well, here goes.
(Update: I’m feeling less like a zombie with my new meds schedule. Yay! Could this be the key?!)
Stay Away from Me June 15, 2007
So June 2 is the official start of my med school days. Boo Hoo.
—
I keep passing by your house. I keep guessing where you are, where you sleep, where you live. I keep obsessing about every little thing. I just need you again.
And yet I need you less and less as the days go by.
It must be the miracle of that certain promise I made to God on that faithful March day.
—
I think I’m on the verge of a depression. That’s an understatement. I shouldn’t be. My meds should prevent me from being on one. But happiness is a choice, right?
I’m indecisive.
Alone June 13, 2007
I came from my psychiatrist yesterday and it’s amazing the type of people you’ll meet just waiting for him.
One is a schizophrenic with a Satanic pact.
One is a completely normal schizophrenic in 3rd year college and who knew?
And then there’s me…
Entering med school next week, medicated, disheveled, and completely self-absorbed in weight loss. I’m fat. I’m completely fat and I’m dying to lose weight. So there.
I am alone in this. I am completely alone. Perhaps this is where man is most alone.
God, I’m being driven crazy by these things in my head.
