Semi-Charmed March 31, 2007

Yay.

Yay.

ASMPH agreed. I only need to take the STP (Summer Transition Program) on the overnight team-building seminar. And also, to just “attend as much as you can” or attend on Saturdays. Yay! Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health, here I come! I’m so vain, I’m wondering about the uniform. I hope I don’t end up looking like a roll of suman. I was so hyperactive yesterday that I was sedated. Hehehe. That is life. Go to the extreme and you will be medicated.

I just confirmed my slot. So there. Hurrah! I’m too restless and hyperactive. Yay!

*God, you know what I prayed for. Give me the strength to fight it.

Winter March 29, 2007

The mind that cannot sleep
Its eyes weary from the night
To darkness is its affinity
In moonlight it is sanctified.
To watch the weary waking of the world,
Until all the lights are spent,
And the glow from within resembles
Frost more than fireflies
That it tries to catch, unaware,
The world revives itself
As I melt away.

Westbound March 28, 2007

This is a story about how God turned away from me.

I prayed so hard to Him. I said God, just give me this chance, and I promise that I’ll stop these wrongs. God, please. And who knew that our God could be so literal? He gave me a chance, yes, but at the moment when my chance was to be mine, he left me hanging.

I did all that I could. I did everything. And He comforted me when I couldn’t sleep, and when my mind was too numb from medications. He was there.

Then now, I realized, He only tautened the string, leading me, once again, nowhere. I’m tired. I said, God, I’m tired of this. I’m tired of struggling’ I’m tired of being brought to the very edge of near-completion and then failing miserably, horribly, as if I was brought to the cliff only to be pushed down. And I even thought to myself, I should anger God. I should destroy the very thing He loves: me. I will destroy more so this skin, this face, this body. That should anger Him, hurt him, betray him.

Then I took the little pink pill and everything became dull again, and I was “docile” and I’m okay now. However, there is that inkling of what I felt and it’s like an annoying little tick in my head because I know it’s there but I can’t find it; I can’t rearrange my thoughts anymore to reach it… but I know it’s there.

Dissociate March 26, 2007

I’ve never been more likely to kill myself than today, after the Org Chem exams.

Iyay: Mamamatay nako.
Me: Papatayin ko na sarili ko. Hehehe. That’s where we’re different.

I wonder just… how. I have bits of a cutter (how pathetic, one gets so low when all of one’s cutters and blades are confiscated) which I’m saving. And I hope nobody strikes me down for being like this. I can’t bear it anymore. I may laugh. I may smile. But that also means I may not tell the world of how terrible I feel. Nobody knows. Nobody ever knows. All everybody says is “you’ll be okay” or “kaya mo yan” but they’re neglecting the most simple fact: I’m the one who has to be doing these, and I’m the one who has to be okay, which I’m not. So please, nobody negate my feelings now, okay?

I sound sane? Too sane to be forgiven for this? Well, I’m sane enough to want this. That’s the way to look at it. So, please, just for tonight. Just until I get through, if I get through.

—

I want Rainbow Brite cartoons and Rainbow Brite toys. =(

Inspired March 25, 2007

Tomorrow decides everything.

I’m no longer sedated with Atarax.

*Inhale*

 

*Oh I hate you then I love you then I love you then I hate you -in the tune of Pavarotti.

[Edit: No. I don't think I made it. Patay. Bahala na. Somebody's gonna off herself.]

Steep March 24, 2007

I’m falling apart and terrified.

I have to make it. I can’t not make it. This is the ultimate test of my life.

[Edit: I had a panic attack at church. I was just rocking back and forth on my seat, punching the concrete chair and crying. When my cousin stopped me, I dug my nails into the back of my hand until it bled. Then I went to the bathroom and saw that I could fit into the window and jump. But then I decided not to make a scene. So I went back to my seat and asked my cousin to sit with me at the back because I had the feeling everyone was looking at me. Ugh. Ugh. I will be sedated after dinner.]

I’m raging angry at the fishermen who catch this type of dolphin that is endemic to the Philippines. There are only 46 left! And when they see a group, they throw dynamites! I’m glad one of them had his arm blown off! Wahahaha! I can really murder people given the right circumstances and chance.

The Pill & Boredom March 23, 2007

I’m dreading the little pink pill that I have to take everyday. It has a deadening effect on the senses. Reality is 2-inches away from me. 2 inches. I can write now because I’ll be medicated in about an hour. Right now, yesterday’s medication has worn off and I’m feeling my usual self.

These are the precious few hours that I can still write my poetry. In an hour, the world will once again be blunt and numbing- and I will not care for poetry or songs or feelings any more.

I’m Tired. March 21, 2007

Really, really exhausted from everyday. These are the days when I just want to be sure I am loved and just nod off to sleep. But I can’t.

I feel as if there is a 2-inch thick glass between me and the world. Things are just not that real anymore. Things that would have caused me to cut incessantly now barely concern me. Hurrah. The magic of antipsychotics.

Tinkerbelly makes me smile.

I like animals precisely because there is no way to tell if they love me back. You don’t have to go through guessing games, and broken hearts and little deaths everyday. If they bite you, they don’t like you. If they lick you, they like you. Simple.