Can You See?

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Cristina Angela Carballo

…moonlight shines on the fasting labyrinth of my mind.

…I look elsewhere, but the wind blows my visions away.

…My heart is not lonely, but it will be.

….The night devours the smoke from my lips, like a blanket enveloping sorrow.

I’m back

Posted on November 30, 2011 by Cristina Angela Carballo

So many things have happened in my life.

From being a med student, to being a real estate agent, I am now a freelance writer.

I am still schizoaffective.

I went through a horrible stint with what the Archdiocese of Manila’s Chief Exorcist diagnosed as “demonic oppression.”

Yes.

I was haunted. Severely. By demons. In the night. Every night. Like what you see in the movies.

I was exorcised twice.

So anyway, I am now a freelance writer, forced to pay for my own meds, which is why I am forced to go on to clozapine.

Today is my first day on it.

I am tired. I don’t have appetite.

And it ain’t funny that I gained a total of 15 pounds on a combination of Zyprexa and Depakote.

Fuck.

That’s it.

I’m still in love, btw.

Yesterday

Posted on February 17, 2011 by Cristina Angela Carballo

The only solid food I had were 5 pcs. of Mentos.

Oh no.

And So…

Posted on February 13, 2011 by Cristina Angela Carballo

I am back to square one.

Who would’ve guessed.

It came as a quick surprise.

But there it was.

And I lie here in waste.

These Pills

Posted on January 19, 2011 by Cristina Angela Carballo

I’m tired of shoving them down my throat.

I’m sinking onto the dangerous level of beginning to feel that I don’t need these medications, and that they’re making me worse.

I’m now dealing with extrapyramidal symptoms (EPS). I keep shaking. My head is bobbing and, because of that, my torso shakes too. They took out Akineton from the market, and that was the only thing that stopped my shaking. Akidin, the other brand of biperiden, does not work as well. The other day I took 3 doses and nothing happened!

I am annoyed, and tired.

I’m also beginning to feel that I am not sick. And that is dangerous because then, I don’t feel I need the medicines.

Oh god, what is happening to me?!

I used to scoff at the idea that some people think that way, and yet here I am, doing the exact same thing.

I guess I reached my limit: I’ve had to grapple with Seroquel weight gain (30 pounds!), and then a 2-week nausea from Topamax. It is NOT FUN. I lost my appetite and I missed enjoying food. Good thing though, I lost the Seroquel weight.

I don’t want to consult with my psychiatrist because I don’t want new medication added. My delusions are raging at this point. Last week, I was really afraid that vampires would attack us simply because I thought of it.

I am paranoid, scared and confused.

You think anything can save me now?

I doubt it.